DECEMBER 7, 1988

Full News Archive

• Headline: Stock Market Rally on Blue-Chip Gains. Impact: This seemingly innocuous rise in the Dow triggered a series of unfortunate events leading to countless investment strategies that would eventually result in drop-dead boring retirement parties and the popularization of avocado toast as a financial crisis coping mechanism. Who knew a 31.48 point rise could lead to a national obsession with brunch?. Fact: Did you know that if you invested $1 in the stock market at this time, you could have bought a whole lot of avocado toast in 2023? Just kidding, you’d still be broke!.
• Headline: E.P.A. Invests in Waste Cleanup Innovations. Impact: This grant for 'novel ideas' sparked a wave of wildly impractical inventions, such as the self-cleaning garbage can and the biodegradable spatula. It also led to a secret society of scientists who meet under the guise of 'cleaning up toxic waste' to discuss their latest attempts to create the perfect donut. The world is definitely better off for it.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more toxic than the waste they were trying to clean up was the optimism surrounding these 'novel ideas.' Spoiler alert: most of them ended up in the landfill!.