JULY 31, 1988

Full News Archive

• Headline: Revitalize Your Late Summer Garden. Impact: If only more people had heeded the advice of this article, we could have potentially avoided the great 'Neglectful Gardener' crisis that led to an increase in houseplant therapy sessions in the 2020s. Fact: Did you know that plants can survive neglect for a while? Kind of like that one friend who always says they'll come to the party but never shows up.
• Headline: Traffic Impact from Hutchinson Parkway Construction. Impact: This construction could have sparked a revolution in public transport, but instead, it just led to an uptick in drivers discovering the joys of road rage and the existential dread of traffic jams. Fact: Did you know that sitting in traffic burns more fuel than actually driving? So, congratulations, you're not just delayed—you're also environmentally unfriendly!.
• Headline: Gasoline Prices Up In Summer Trend. Impact: Rising gasoline prices led to the invention of carpool karaoke and the rise of Uber, spawning a whole generation of people who think they can sing but really just can't afford gas. Fact: Did you know that the price of gas can fluctuate more than your mood during a Monday morning? Buckle up!.
• Headline: MUSIC; On the Farm, Culture Now Grows. Impact: This transformation from farm to arts center could have led to a world where cows are the new rock stars, but instead, it just made hipsters feel more at home while they sip overpriced lattes. Fact: Did you know that chickens can actually be great musicians? Just ask the ones in the backyard band that never made it past the coop.
• Headline: States Join to Collect Sales Tax. Impact: This coalition of states to collect sales tax could have sparked a nationwide tax revolution, but instead, it just led to more confusing receipts and the inevitable rise of online shopping. Fact: Did you know that sales tax is just the government's way of reminding you that nothing in life is truly free? Enjoy that 'discount'.
• Headline: Bizarre '30's Trellis Is Being Rescued. Impact: The rescue of this trellis might have inspired future generations to create even stranger garden art, leading to a world where garden gnomes are replaced by giant inflatable flamingos. Fact: Did you know that trellises were once considered the height of garden fashion? Now, they’re just the backdrop to your neighbor’s Instagram posts.
• Headline: Pool Plan Divides Glen Cove Residents. Impact: The controversy over this pool could have led to the great Glen Cove swim-off of '23, where residents would compete not just for space but for the title of 'Most Dramatic Poolside Drama.'. Fact: Did you know that Olympic-size pools are just a fancy way of saying 'too big for your backyard'? Welcome to suburban life.
• Headline: WESTCHESTER FOLLOW-UP. Impact: The legacy of the Somers House could have inspired a resurgence in historical preservation, but instead, it just became a trivia question at parties. Fact: Did you know that historic houses are like the original Instagram influencers? They have all the stories but no one really wants to hear them after the first five minutes.
• Headline: Airport Repairs Alter Flight Paths. Impact: These alterations could have led to a new trend in aerial sightseeing, but instead, residents just got treated to the soundtrack of constant jet engines while trying to have a peaceful barbecue. Fact: Did you know that flight paths are just a fancy way of saying 'we need to keep the noise pollution in one area'? Thanks for flying with us!.