JUNE 19, 1988

Full News Archive

• Headline: Teachers Retire, Leaving Classrooms Empty. Impact: The retirement of teachers led to an influx of substitute teachers, many of whom believed they could teach Shakespeare by merely Googling a few quotes. This inevitably led to a generation thinking 'To be or not to be' was about pizza toppings.. Fact: Funny enough, many teachers claim retirement is just an elaborate ruse to avoid grading papers—who knew?.
• Headline: Drum Corps Favors a Slower Beat. Impact: If the drum corps had really slowed down, maybe they could have revolutionized the 'slow-motion marching band' craze—now that would be a sight to see!. Fact: Drum corps: where rhythm meets the existential crisis of whether to play faster or just slowly contemplate life..
• Headline: Harnick's New Partner: Bach. Impact: Harnick's partnership with Bach may have resulted in an alternate universe where classical music was the main genre of pop—think of the hip hop ballet crossover that never was!. Fact: It's said that Harnick and Bach's collaboration was so good that even Shakespeare would have traded his quill for a ticket to their shows..
• Headline: THE TALK OF NORTH SALEM; In North Salem, Change Creeps In. Impact: The expensive saddle in North Salem could kick off a trend in luxury farm goods, leading to the emergence of a new Instagram influencer: Farmers with expensive taste.. Fact: In North Salem, change creeps in slower than a tortoise on a leisurely stroll—better keep your Gatorade boxes ready!.
• Headline: Hoboken Weighing Development Bids. Impact: The development bids in Hoboken could lead to a future where 'luxury cardboard box living' becomes a trend—who knew cardboard could be so chic?. Fact: Hoboken: where you can buy a shoebox apartment for the price of a small island in the Caribbean!.
• Headline: A Summer Camp Dedicated to Bringing Joy to the Afflicted. Impact: The Hole in the Wall Gang Camp could inspire a global movement towards happiness camps, where adults finally take their inner child on a summer vacation—because who doesn’t need more joy?. Fact: The Hole in the Wall Gang was founded by actor Paul Newman—who knew the secret to happiness was just a campfire and a good story?.
• Headline: A Rural Town Fights to Keep Its Way of Life. Impact: The fight to preserve rural life could spark a new trend in urban farming, leading to hipsters attempting to grow kale in their apartments, because why not?. Fact: When it comes to preserving rural life, remember: even the most picturesque towns can't survive on Instagram likes alone!.