JUNE 12, 1988

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Great Westchester Stone Wall Heist. Impact: When thieves realized they could just take stone walls instead of building their own, humanity spiraled into a world where people started hoarding decorative rocks, leading to a global shortage of garden gnomes.. Fact: Stealing stone walls? It’s not just a crime; it’s the perfect metaphor for boundary issues in relationships..
• Headline: New Jersey's Summer Music Renaissance. Impact: The revitalization of summer music led to a chain reaction where every coffee shop suddenly became a live music venue, resulting in a global shortage of earplugs and a boom in ironic T-shirt sales.. Fact: In the past, summer was just a time for mosquitoes and sunburns. Now it’s a time for overpriced concert tickets and enthusiastic hipsters..
• Headline: Plan to Save Farmlands Supported by Agriculture. Impact: The farmland-preservation proposal created a frenzy of ‘urban farmers’ who thought they could beat the system by growing tomatoes on their balconies, leading to the Great Tomato Wars of the 2020s.. Fact: Protecting farmland sounds noble until you realize it just means more places for hipsters to take their artisanal selfies..
• Headline: Senior Pro Golfers Set for L.I. Tournament. Impact: The golfing tournament's success became a blueprint for every minor sporting event, leading to an explosion of events where people just sit around and watch others compete in mundane tasks.. Fact: Golf: the only sport where you can wear more plaid than a lumberjack and still be considered classy..
• Headline: Music at Festival Brings Romantics Into Focus. Impact: The focus on Romantic music at festivals led to people thinking they could actually understand their feelings, resulting in a spike in therapy sessions and an underground market for mood rings.. Fact: Romantic music: because sometimes, you just need a soundtrack to your existential crisis..
• Headline: Achievers Seek Advanced Diploma. Impact: The push for advanced diplomas led to an overwhelming increase in the number of students who now think they can become astronauts just because they took one extra math class.. Fact: The International Baccalaureate: because why settle for just being stressed out when you can be stressed out on an international scale?.
• Headline: Freeport Fights Group-Home Law. Impact: The controversy over group homes led to communities developing advanced skills in protests, which later evolved into a global movement for the right to complain about anything and everything.. Fact: Freeport’s fight against group homes is just a microcosm of every community’s struggle against things they don’t understand… like why their neighbors have a pet goat..