MARCH 20, 1988

Full News Archive

• Headline: Governor Cuomo's Confusing Comments on LILCO. Impact: This confusion led to a series of miscommunications that resulted in a generation of New Yorkers who believe that 'Lilco' is a new dance craze rather than a power company. The only power they have now is to confuse the rest of us.. Fact: Did you know that confusing power companies is the secret to becoming a local celebrity in politics? Just ask Governor Cuomo!.
• Headline: New Musical Quartet Formation in Trenton. Impact: This quartet became so popular that they accidentally invented a new genre of music known as 'Couple Harmony,' which eventually leads to a wave of relationship-themed pop songs that dominate the charts for decades.. Fact: Did you know that joining forces in music is basically the adult version of 'let’s be friends' in kindergarten?.
• Headline: Rising Concerns Over College Expenses. Impact: As college costs skyrocketed, students began to invent increasingly elaborate methods to fund their education, leading to a boom in crowdfunding, side hustles, and the birth of the 'broke college student' meme.. Fact: Did you know that the average college student now has enough side jobs to qualify for a corporate merger?.
• Headline: Waterfront Complex Moves Ahead. Impact: This cooperative venture inspired countless other collaborative projects, ultimately leading to the first intergalactic cooperative venture where aliens and humans operated a space-time coffee shop.. Fact: Did you know that rehabilitating waterfronts is a great way to distract from the fact that the world's oceans are rising faster than your average politician can make promises?.
• Headline: INVESTING; New Fund Offerings Stage a Rebound. Impact: The rebound in mutual funds created a ripple effect that encouraged the development of 'Get Rich Quick' seminars, leading to a new generation of self-proclaimed financial gurus who had never actually invested a dime.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing riskier than investing in mutual funds is taking financial advice from someone who’s still paying off their student loans?.
• Headline: Post Office Acts to Acquire Airport Site. Impact: This acquisition led to postal workers becoming the surprise authority figures of air traffic, creating a new era of 'priority mail' that included express flights for your grandma's birthday card.. Fact: Did you know that acquiring land next to an airport is basically how the Post Office decided it wanted to be the coolest kid on the block?.
• Headline: For the Small Client, Architectural Flights of Fancy. Impact: This creative approach to fundraising led to an architectural trend where churches began building whimsical structures to attract parishioners, including a giant birdhouse that became a tourist attraction.. Fact: Did you know that if you build it, they will come? Just ask any church that turned their roof into a giant birdhouse!.
• Headline: ANTIQUES; Princeton Show: Consistently Rewarding. Impact: The success of this antiques show sparked a nationwide obsession with vintage items, leading to a decade where the phrase 'one man's trash is another man's treasure' became a catchy slogan on reality TV shows.. Fact: Did you know that attending an antiques show is basically just time travel for people who can't afford a DeLorean?.
• Headline: INVESTING; Why a Baker Tempts an Analyst. Impact: This lighthearted commentary led to a bizarre trend where financial analysts began using baked goods as motivational tools, resulting in the first ever 'cookie index' for stock market forecasts.. Fact: Did you know that in the world of finance, a baker’s dozen is actually a safer investment than most tech stocks?.
• Headline: NUMISMATICS; Designs Have Been Modified for the Olympic Coins. Impact: The debate over coin designs sparked a movement for artistic freedom in currency, leading to the world's first unicorn-themed currency that fueled a brief but intense obsession with mythical creatures in finance.. Fact: Did you know that Olympic coins are the only thing that can go around in circles and still be considered valuable? Unlike my last relationship..