JANUARY 18, 1988

Full News Archive

• Headline: Student Voices on Legal Issues. Impact: Little did those fifth and sixth graders know that their volleyball team captain choices would lead to future Supreme Court justices arguing over who gets to choose the pizza toppings for the court's lunch.. Fact: Did you know that the average fifth grader’s opinion on legal matters is just slightly less informed than that of a reality TV star?.
• Headline: Italian Dining Experience in Irvington. Impact: This overpriced Italian fare sparked a nationwide trend of people paying too much for food they can barely pronounce, ultimately leading to the rise of 'artisanal' avocado toast.. Fact: Ah yes, history repeats itself—mostly in the form of pizza toppings and the same old garlic bread..
• Headline: Water-Fund Plan Gives Town Hope. Impact: Governor Kean's $60 million loan fund not only provided clean water but also inspired a future generation of politicians to propose ridiculous funding solutions for anything and everything—like a national 'No More Socks' campaign.. Fact: Did you know that clean water is essential for life? Shocking, I know—who would have thought?.
• Headline: Wiretap Inquiry Irks Suffolk Police. Impact: This inquiry would set off a chain reaction of distrust that eventually led to every household in America hiding their secrets in the most obvious places—like under the bed or in plain sight.. Fact: Did you know that wiretapping was once considered a top-secret government operation? Now it's just your neighbor's favorite pastime..
• Headline: As Catholic Rolls Rise, Priests Diversify. Impact: The increased Catholic population and diversification of priests would lead to a future where church potlucks became the hottest culinary events in town, complete with gourmet mac and cheese.. Fact: Fun fact: diversity in the clergy means more interesting stories during Sunday sermons—who knew spirituality could come with a side of intrigue?.
• Headline: SHOPPER'S WORLD; Bamboo Utensils Crafted in Kyoto. Impact: The rise of eco-friendly bamboo utensils would eventually lead to an entire generation of hipsters fighting over the last pair of chopsticks at craft fairs.. Fact: Did you know that using bamboo utensils can make you feel 100% more enlightened? Or at least, that's what they tell you at the artisanal food market..
• Headline: Priest Looks Ahead to His Vocation. Impact: The ordination of these priests would ripple through time, inspiring countless future vocations, and leading to a resurgence of 'What should I wear to church?' dilemmas.. Fact: Did you know that becoming a priest often requires years of study? But hey, at least they don't have to deal with 'What’s your five-year plan?' interviews..