JANUARY 17, 1988

Full News Archive

• Headline: Empowering Young Voices in Legal Discussions. Impact: By allowing fifth and sixth graders to voice opinions, the educational system indirectly birthed future politicians who think they know everything at age 12, leading to endless debates over trivial matters in Congress.. Fact: Did you know that the only opinions that really matter in school are those about pizza toppings? It's a universal truth..
• Headline: Italian Dining Experience in Irvington. Impact: The overpriced Italian fare at Peregrine's set a precedent for restaurants everywhere to charge exorbitant amounts for food, leading to today's average dinner bill being equivalent to a small car down payment.. Fact: Fun fact: The more you pay for spaghetti, the more authentic the 'Italian experience' becomes. It’s all in the price tag!.
• Headline: Water-Fund Plan Gives Town Hope. Impact: Governor Kean's water fund proposal not only helped people with contaminated wells but also inspired future generations to think that a loan could solve all their problems, from water shortages to student debt.. Fact: Did you know that water is still more affordable than therapy? But hey, at least you can drown your sorrows in a glass of it..
• Headline: Wiretap Inquiry Irks Suffolk Police. Impact: The wiretap inquiry in Suffolk County sparked a series of events leading to the widespread use of surveillance, which ultimately made every citizen feel like they were living in a reality TV show.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing worse than being surveilled is thinking that you're interesting enough to be watched? Spoiler: You're not..
• Headline: As Catholic Rolls Rise, Priests Diversify. Impact: The rise in Catholic rolls and diversification of priests led to a more inclusive church atmosphere, inadvertently paving the way for the 'hip' priest who plays guitar at mass and thinks he's a rock star.. Fact: Did you know that priests are basically the original life coaches? They just have better outfits and a higher calling..
• Headline: SHOPPER'S WORLD; Bamboo Utensils Crafted in Kyoto. Impact: Kyoto's bamboo utensils not only brought culinary refinement to the world but also inspired a million hipster cafes to serve organic avocado toast with a side of 'I bought this from Kyoto.'. Fact: Did you know that eating with bamboo utensils makes your food taste better? Or at least that's what the hipsters want you to believe..
• Headline: Priest Looks Ahead to His Vocation. Impact: The ordination of new priests symbolized hope for the Catholic Church, but it also inadvertently led to a series of 'young people's retreat' events that nobody really wanted to attend.. Fact: Did you know that being ordained is basically like getting a lifetime membership to a club with lots of rules and very few fun activities? Sign me up!.