DECEMBER 7, 1987

Full News Archive

• Headline: Snack Food Trends and Health Consciousness. Impact: This shift from mindless munching to mindful eating set off a chain reaction, leading to the invention of kale chips, which are now a staple in hipster diets. If only they'd known that all those crunchy greens would lead to more Instagram posts than actual nutrition.. Fact: In 2023, there are more Instagram accounts dedicated to food than there are people who actually eat it. Mindful munching? More like mindlessly snapping!.
• Headline: Restoration of Mystic's Historic Landmark. Impact: The restoration of Old Glory sparked a nationwide obsession with Americana, ultimately leading to a resurgence in plaid shirts, barbecues, and questionable tattoos of bald eagles. Who knew a woodcarving project could fuel a fashion crisis?. Fact: Woodcarving: the ancient art that keeps on giving, like that uncle who shows up to every family gathering uninvited..
• Headline: BLOOD CLINIC FILLS RESEARCH ROLE. Impact: The unfortunate incident at the blood clinic raised awareness about post-surgery care, leading to a new trend in hospitals: mandatory post-op snack stations. Because who wouldn't want a juice box after heart surgery?. Fact: Hemorrhaging is not just a medical term; it's also a great metaphor for how I feel after a bad breakup..
• Headline: Israel's Arab Army Of Migrant Workers. Impact: The story of migrant workers in Israel led to a heightened awareness of labor rights, sparking movements that eventually inspired the creation of 'Migrant Worker Appreciation Day', where everyone sends pizza to their local laborers—because nothing says appreciation like carbs.. Fact: Labor movements have come a long way; they now include free pizza, which is more than what most of us get for working overtime!.
• Headline: INVESTING; A High Return, With Protection. Impact: John A. Vogt Jr.'s income fund made people rethink their investment strategies, leading to an era where everyone suddenly became an 'investment guru', armed with memes and YouTube videos, driving the stock market into an entirely new level of absurdity.. Fact: Investing today is more about who can shout the loudest on TikTok than actual financial knowledge. Welcome to the future!.
• Headline: ELMSFORD MOTEL LOSES FRANCHISE. Impact: The loss of the Howard Johnson franchise in Elmsford not only marked the end of an era but also paved the way for a wave of boutique motels, igniting a trend in hipster travel that's still making us all question what 'authenticity' really means.. Fact: Motels are now so retro that you could probably film a hip indie film in one and call it 'The Last Highway.' Spoiler alert: it's mostly just sad..
• Headline: LAND PRICES OUTBID LURE OF BOWLING. Impact: As land prices soared, bowling alleys were forced to close, leading to a national crisis of boredom that prompted the invention of 'virtual bowling'—because why bother with real exercise when you can just wave your arms around in your living room?. Fact: Bowling alleys are the last bastions of social interaction—where else can you judge strangers while simultaneously enjoying nachos?.
• Headline: TAXABLE REAL ESTATE RISES BY 24.9%. Impact: The rise in taxable real estate values led to an influx of property taxes, which in turn resulted in the Great 'Where Did My Money Go?' crisis of 2025, where citizens collectively grieved over their diminishing bank accounts.. Fact: Real estate: the only investment that can make you feel rich one day and broke the next, all while you’re paying for the privilege to live in it..