NOVEMBER 16, 1987

Full News Archive

• Headline: Howard Johnson's Controversial Homeless Initiative. Impact: This headline caused a ripple effect so profound that now, if you say 'Howard Johnson's' in a room full of people, someone will inevitably complain about overpriced motel food, leading to a nationwide decline in roadside diner culture. Thanks, Howard!. Fact: Did you know that Howard Johnson's was once the largest restaurant chain in the U.S.? They must have had some killer ice cream flavors to earn that title!.
• Headline: Houseplants Thrive in Cooler Conditions. Impact: This article led to a mass panic among houseplants, who began plotting to escape their pots for a cooler climate. This eventually resulted in a secret underground plant society that meets every full moon.. Fact: Did you know that some plants can actually thrive in colder conditions? Too bad they haven’t figured out how to survive the cold shoulder from their owners!.
• Headline: ART GRANTS ON THE RISE. Impact: With more funding going to the arts, this event likely led to a future where every child is mandated to take an art class, resulting in a massive increase of 'modern art' displayed in basements everywhere. Thanks a lot, New Jersey!. Fact: Ever wonder why 'art grants' sound so fancy? It's because 'cash for doodles' just didn't have the same ring to it..
• Headline: DEVELOPERS CATER TO THE AFFLUENT ELDERLY. Impact: This event paved the way for the rise of luxury retirement communities. Now, the elderly can live in style, sipping cocktails by the pool while contemplating the existential crisis of living in a gated community.. Fact: Did you know that some affluent elderly communities offer classes in 'how to outsmart your grandchildren'? It's the ultimate power play!.
• Headline: WITH STORIES, BRINGING BOOKS TO BABIES. Impact: The storytime sessions at libraries sparked a global trend of 'storytime yoga' for infants, which led to the invention of yoga mats that double as baby blankets. Now, babies are more flexible than most adults.. Fact: Did you know that reading to babies helps with their brain development? So if they're not listening, they're probably just planning their next nap!.
• Headline: INVESTING; Steel Mini-Mill at a Scrap Price. Impact: The rise of mini-mills ushered in a new era of steel production that made everyone wonder if they could also invest in mini-bakeries and mini-fruit stands. Because who doesn’t want mini versions of everything?. Fact: Fun fact: Mini-mills are so efficient that they make regular steel mills look like they're still stuck in the 1980s. Talk about a glow-up!.
• Headline: SHAPING THE FUTURE OF OLD ESTATES ON L.I.. Impact: As developers closed in on old estates, this triggered a nationwide panic among landowners, leading to an absurd trend of 'land hoarding' where people began collecting parcels of land like Pokémon cards.. Fact: Did you know that some old estates are haunted? So if developers are not careful, they might just end up with a ghostly roommate!.
• Headline: YALE HELPS COUPLES FIND GENE DEFECTS. Impact: The genetic testing initiative created a chain reaction in which parents became so concerned about potential defects that they started googling everything from their family tree to the nutritional value of kale. Now everyone is a part-time geneticist.. Fact: Did you know that genetic testing has become so advanced that soon you might find out which celebrity you are genetically predisposed to resemble? No pressure, right?.