SEPTEMBER 28, 1987

Full News Archive

• Headline: O'Rourke's Inquiry into Iran-Contra Affair. Impact: If O'Rourke had not met Hall, the Iran-Contra affair might have remained a footnote in history, sparing future generations from endless conspiracy theories and the phrase 'What did they know, and when did they know it?'. Fact: O'Rourke's investigative skills were so sharp that some say he could smell a cover-up from a mile away, just like your uncle at Thanksgiving can smell the turkey..
• Headline: Revolutionary Cancer Research Grants Awarded. Impact: This event possibly paved the way for scientists to throw spaghetti at the wall, leading to the breakthrough that turned out to be a noodle. Who knew a lack of data could lead to so much innovation?. Fact: In the world of science, 'untried' has a way of morphing into 'groundbreaking' faster than you can say 'peer-reviewed journal.'.
• Headline: Pressure Mounts on LILCO Rate Decisions. Impact: If they had lowered the rates sooner, Long Island might have turned into a paradise of affordable electricity, leading to a massive uptick in 80s hairstyles and questionable fashion choices.. Fact: Lowering utility rates is the political equivalent of a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat, only the rabbit is likely to be a disgruntled accountant..
• Headline: THE CAREFUL SHOPPER. Impact: This headline might have inspired a whole generation of people to consider dinnerware as a fashion statement, leading to a dystopian future where plates have their own Instagram accounts.. Fact: The term 'careful shopper' might just be a euphemism for someone who spends three hours comparing prices on their phone while standing in the store..
• Headline: 'RENAISSANCE' TAKING HOLD IN CAPITAL OF THE STATE. Impact: This newfound reputation as a desirable place to live could have led to a hipster invasion, causing local coffee shops to sell artisanal lattes at prices that would make a banker weep.. Fact: The concept of urban renaissance is often just a fancy way of saying, 'We painted the walls and added a few trendy cafes.'.
• Headline: Assembly Panel Starts Looking At Surrogacy. Impact: If Connecticut had jumped on the surrogacy regulation bandwagon earlier, they could have become the go-to state for surrogate parents, possibly spawning a reality TV show called 'Surrogate Survivor.'. Fact: Surrogacy regulation is like trying to nail jelly to a wall—complicated and messy, but somehow it keeps sticking around..
• Headline: EAST HAMPTON'S AIM: 70% RECYCLING. Impact: If East Hampton succeeds, the town could become the poster child for environmentalism, inspiring other towns to turn their recycling programs into competitive sports.. Fact: Recycling is just like a relationship; you have to put in the effort, or it all ends up in the trash..