SEPTEMBER 27, 1987

Full News Archive

• Headline: Unraveling O'Rourke's Pentagon Interview. Impact: If O'Rourke hadn't taken that Pentagon mission, the entire landscape of U.S. politics might have shifted. The butterfly flaps its wings, and suddenly, we're living in a world where politicians are actually accountable. Ha! What a concept.. Fact: Fawn Hall's most famous moment wasn't just in front of Congress; she also had a brief stint as a motivational speaker titled 'How to Dodge Questions 101.'.
• Headline: Breakthrough in Cancer Research Funding. Impact: This untried cancer theory led to a chain reaction of funding for wildly creative research. Spoiler alert: one of those theories eventually implicated broccoli in a conspiracy to overthrow pizza as the nation's favorite food.. Fact: In the world of science, 'untried' is just code for 'we have no idea what we're doing, but hey, let's wing it!'.
• Headline: Pressure Mounts to Lower LILCO Rates. Impact: The push to lower LILCO rates may have sparked a nationwide revolution against overpriced utilities. The ripple effect? A generation of hipsters dedicated to hand-cranking their own electricity.. Fact: LILCO's rates were so high, they were once mistaken for a fancy artisanal cheese brand. 'Would you like a side of overpriced gouda with that electricity bill?'.
• Headline: THE CAREFUL SHOPPER. Impact: This headline may have inadvertently inspired an entire generation of millennials to invest in dinnerware over actual real estate. Thanks for the advice, careful shopper!. Fact: Plentiful servings of dinnerware are great until you realize you have no friends to share them with. Cheers to solo dinner parties!.
• Headline: 'RENAISSANCE' TAKING HOLD IN CAPITAL OF THE STATE. Impact: The 'renaissance' of this city might have catalyzed a nationwide trend of urban renewal. Fast forward a decade, and now every city is 'revitalizing' by adding overpriced coffee shops and vegan bakeries.. Fact: Urban blight to renaissance in just a few years—kind of like a makeover show, but with less drama and more artisan toast..
• Headline: Assembly Panel Starts Looking At Surrogacy. Impact: Connecticut regulating surrogacy could have set off a domino effect across states, creating a bureaucratic maze so complex that even Indiana Jones wouldn't dare to navigate it.. Fact: Surrogacy laws are so convoluted, they make tax codes look like a light read. Good luck explaining that to your family during the holidays!.
• Headline: EAST HAMPTON'S AIM: 70% RECYCLING. Impact: East Hampton's ambitious recycling goal might have inspired other towns to adopt eco-friendly practices. In 50 years, we could have a planet where garbage is as rare as a unicorn!. Fact: 70% recycling sounds great until you realize it mostly consists of your old failed DIY projects. Who knew glitter was so hard to recycle?.