AUGUST 27, 1987

Full News Archive

• Headline: Childhood Memories of the Old Place. Impact: The sale of that old place triggered a series of events leading to future generations missing out on the joys of porches everywhere. Somewhere, a child is now sitting inside playing video games instead of telling secrets on a moonlit porch, and their future therapist is definitely not being paid enough.. Fact: Did you know that moonlit porches were once considered the best place for gossip? Now, we just have social media for that—much less romantic, but far more dramatic!.
• Headline: Fowler Joins Josephson Office Leadership. Impact: This seemingly minor corporate shuffle inadvertently led to the rise of organizational culture in offices everywhere, resulting in a generation of workers who now categorize their lives by color-coded bins. Somewhere, a sock is still missing because it never made it to the right bin.. Fact: Fun fact: Rubbermaid’s primary achievement has been convincing us that we need separate containers for everything, including our emotions. Who needs therapy when you can just organize your feelings?.
• Headline: Preserving Your Home Library Collection. Impact: This article about book care inadvertently sparked a movement among hipsters to start valuing old books again, leading to an unfortunate increase in the number of hipster coffee shops that smell like coffee and old paper. Oh joy!. Fact: Did you know that if you leave a book out in the sun, it will fade like your dreams of becoming a successful novelist? That's right, even books can’t handle rejection!.
• Headline: Out of the Closets and Into Mini-Storage. Impact: Laura Edelstein's desire for storage led to an explosion in mini-storage units, which in turn caused a nationwide crisis where people began hoarding nonsensical items. Congratulations, America—your obsession with keeping junk is now a booming industry!. Fact: Did you know that mini-storage units are just fancy closets for people who can’t commit to throwing out their 1990s Beanie Babies? It's like a museum of regrets!.
• Headline: Stripping Furniture Requires Patience. Impact: This headline highlights the epic battle of humans with furniture, which leads to more broken relationships than any romantic comedy. In the future, people will be left wondering if they should date someone who knows how to strip furniture or just stick with IKEA.. Fact: Did you know that stripping furniture has nothing to do with exotic dancers? Though, if you’re patient enough, you might just end up with a masterpiece—or a trip to the ER!.