AUGUST 20, 1987

Full News Archive

• Headline: Domestic Duties and Standards of Cleanliness. Impact: If only the oven had been cleaned sooner, it might have inspired a revolutionary cooking show called 'The Clean Plate,' which would have led to the rise of eco-friendly kitchens and a global movement against burnt toast. Alas, the world never got to taste the magic.. Fact: Did you know that neglecting your oven can actually ruin your dinner party? Just imagine explaining to your guests why they’re tasting last week’s lasagna instead of your famous soufflé!.
• Headline: Repairing Antique Locks for Modern Use. Impact: The decision to fix or replace antique locks might have inadvertently sparked a black market for vintage keys, leading to a secret society of antique enthusiasts plotting heists to reclaim their prized possessions. Who knew locks could unlock such drama?. Fact: Did you know that antique locks are often more secure than modern ones? That’s right, a lock from 1700 could probably keep out a thief better than your average apartment door today. Just don't lose the key!.
• Headline: Market Place; Schwab Turns To the Public. Impact: If Schwab had gone public earlier, it could have revolutionized investment opportunities, leading to a stock market where everyone invests in things like artisanal toast and organic air. Pity the world wasn't ready for such avant-garde financial innovations.. Fact: Did you know that going public is basically a corporate version of getting a Tinder profile? Everyone's swiping right, hoping to find that perfect match to boost their bottom line. Good luck with that, Schwab!.