AUGUST 17, 1987

Full News Archive

• Headline: Reyes Ortega's Complex Amnesty Case. Impact: Had Reyes Ortega not been facing amnesty issues, he might have become a motivational speaker, inspiring millions of undocumented immigrants to pursue the American dream. Instead, the ambiguity led to a rise in motivational podcasts that no one listens to. Fact: Amnesty cases are like reality TV: full of drama, unexpected twists, and usually a lot of people yelling at each other.
• Headline: Major Coin Show Coming to Atlanta. Impact: This coin show could have led to a global revolution in currency, where coins become the primary form of money again, forcing us all to don fanny packs and roll around in change. Thank goodness for credit cards. Fact: Numismatics is the only hobby that lets you be a hoarder and a historian at the same time. It's like having your cake and eating it too, but the cake is made of coins.
• Headline: WHEN THE JURY'S OUT (EATING). Impact: If jurors had spent less time eating and more time deliberating, we might have seen fewer questionable verdicts in history. But then again, who doesn't want to hear about 'the great pizza debate of 2023' in history class?. Fact: Jury duty is the only time you can eat lunch while contemplating someone's fate and still not feel guilty about it. Talk about multitasking!.
• Headline: TRANSIT NOTES. Impact: The addition of a second bus lane may have inadvertently led to the rise of a new superhero: Bus Lane Man, who fights traffic congestion one lane at a time. Just don’t ask him to save you from boredom. Fact: Adding a bus lane is like putting a Band-Aid on a gaping wound: it might help, but you’re still going to bleed out if you don’t fix the real problem.
• Headline: EVACUATION PLAN FOUGHT ON ZONING. Impact: Had the Long Island Lighting Company harmoniously implemented their evacuation plan, they might have set a precedent for nuclear safety that saved countless lives. Instead, they just left everyone shaking their heads in disbelief. Fact: Zoning disputes are basically the adult version of arguing over who gets the last slice of pizza—no one feels good about it, but it keeps happening.
• Headline: HOLMDEL WOMAN FINDS THIRD FULL-TIME CAREER. Impact: Lenore Herson's career journey could have inspired a new trend of people switching jobs every few years, making 'career hopping' the cool new norm. Who needs stability when you can have variety?. Fact: Changing careers more times than a celebrity changes outfits isn’t just a trend; it’s basically a rite of passage in today’s job market.
• Headline: L.I.'S ROLE IN EARLY MODERN PROVIDES A SURPRISE. Impact: Had Alastair Gordon succeeded in preserving that 1946 modernist house, we could have seen a renaissance in architectural preservation, making Long Island a hipster haven for architecture buffs. Instead, it just became another generic suburb. Fact: Modernist architecture is like the mullet of the design world: business in the front, party in the back, and sometimes it just needs to be put out of its misery.