AUGUST 16, 1987

Full News Archive

• Headline: Ambiguities in Reyes Ortega's Amnesty Case. Impact: If Reyes Ortega had not built his stable life in the U.S., it's possible the country's entire immigration policy could have been influenced by the lack of a heartwarming family story. Imagine an alternate reality where the U.S. government only grants amnesty to people who can juggle flaming torches.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'illegal alien' is still in use? It's like calling someone a 'space invader' in 2023. Talk about outdated terminology!.
• Headline: Explore the 96th A.N.A. Coin Show. Impact: The major coin show sparked a sudden surge in the popularity of numismatics, leading to a bizarre future where people collect coins like they're Pokémon cards. 'Gotta catch 'em all!' has never sounded so... heavy.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing heavier than a heavy coin collection is the disappointment of your parents when they realize you collect pennies!.
• Headline: WHEN THE JURY'S OUT (EATING). Impact: The jurors taking leisurely lunches could have inadvertently led to a national trend of gourmet jury duty lunches, inspiring a new reality show: 'Jury Chef Showdown.' Who knew justice could taste so good?. Fact: Did you know that jurors can actually turn into food critics? One bad lunch can change the course of justice. 'Guilty, but only because that sandwich was dry!'.
• Headline: TRANSIT NOTES. Impact: The addition of a second bus lane could spark an underground race between buses, leading to the establishment of a new Olympic sport: Bus Racing. Forget Usain Bolt, it's all about the bus drivers now!. Fact: Did you know that bus lanes are the only lanes where you can legally ignore traffic laws? The irony is delicious, isn't it?.
• Headline: EVACUATION PLAN FOUGHT ON ZONING. Impact: The fight over the evacuation plan may lead to a chain reaction of zoning disputes, eventually resulting in the creation of a new reality show: 'Zoning Wars: Shoreham Edition.' Who knew zoning could be so dramatic?. Fact: Fun fact: Zoning laws are about as exciting as watching paint dry. But hey, at least the paint doesn't argue back!.
• Headline: HOLMDEL WOMAN FINDS THIRD FULL-TIME CAREER. Impact: Lenore Herson's career journey could inspire a new movement of people juggling multiple careers, leading to a future where job titles include 'Professional Cat Cuddler' and 'Chief Snack Officer.'. Fact: Did you know that the average person changes careers about 5-7 times in their life? So really, who's counting after the first two?.
• Headline: L.I.'S ROLE IN EARLY MODERN PROVIDES A SURPRISE. Impact: The preservation of modernist houses could inspire a future where architecture becomes a competitive sport. Imagine Olympic judges critiquing buildings instead of gymnasts. 'That house gets a 9.8 for the roof angle!'. Fact: Did you know that modernist architecture is often misunderstood? It’s like that one friend who shows up to a fancy dinner in a t-shirt—it just doesn't fit the vibe..