AUGUST 2, 1987

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Child Development Institute Launches. Impact: The establishment of this center led to a generation of overly articulate toddlers who insisted on discussing existentialism at playdates, ultimately giving rise to a new wave of pretentious parenting blogs.. Fact: Apparently, toddlers are the new philosophers. Who knew that 'why' could spark so many essays?.
• Headline: Exploring Hoboken's Culinary Scene. Impact: The explosion of dining options in Hoboken resulted in a culinary arms race where every restaurant had to outdo the next with bizarre fusion dishes, ultimately leading to the infamous 'Sushi Taco' craze of the 2020s.. Fact: If you ever wanted to experience culinary confusion, just visit Hoboken. It's like a flavor rollercoaster that forgot its seatbelt..
• Headline: WHAT'S NEW IN THE NEW-PARENT BUSINESS; Buying Carriages Through Catalogues. Impact: The trend of buying baby items through catalogs created a future in which parents became so reliant on online shopping that they forgot how to interact with their own children.. Fact: Catalog baby carriages are apparently the new 'must-have' accessory, right next to a matching set of anxiety and exhaustion..
• Headline: THE LIVELY ARTS; MERCHANT ADDS ACTING TO INVENTORY. Impact: When Nelson Varon added acting to his inventory, it sparked a bizarre trend where musical instruments and acting classes became inseparable, leading to a generation of children who could play Beethoven while performing Shakespeare.. Fact: Nothing says 'well-rounded education' like learning to play the piano while simultaneously auditioning for a role in a soap opera..
• Headline: ANTIQUES LOFF TO NEW HOPE FOR VINTAGE CARS. Impact: The vintage car show became a yearly pilgrimage for hipsters and collectors alike, inadvertently leading to an entire subculture dedicated to 'vintage car selfies,' which would later spark a worldwide trend of posing with inanimate objects.. Fact: 1,700 vintage cars in one place? That sounds like a traffic jam just waiting to happen. Hope they all remembered their vintage insurance!.
• Headline: Consumers League: A Spry 87. Impact: The Consumers League's persistent activism led to widespread awareness about social issues, ultimately resulting in a world where people actually cared about where their coffee came from, thus giving rise to the artisanal coffee shop phenomenon.. Fact: Eighty-seven years and still running? Talk about commitment! Most relationships don’t even last that long these days..