JULY 26, 1987

Full News Archive

• Headline: NJ Evaluates Cogeneration Policies. Impact: If New Jersey had actually figured out cogeneration policies back then, who knows? The entire state might have become a pioneering energy utopia, and we could be living in a world where 'Mr. Fusion' is a household appliance instead of just a movie plot device. Thanks, New Jersey, for keeping us in the dark—literally.. Fact: Did you know? Cogeneration is basically like having your cake and eating it too—if your cake could also power your toaster..
• Headline: New Jersey's Cogeneration Potential. Impact: New Jersey's fertile ground for cogeneration could have led to a green revolution, turning the state into a model for sustainable energy. Instead, we got a bunch of overpriced gas stations and a few solar panels. Whoops!. Fact: Fun fact: 'Fertile ground' is just a euphemism for 'please, let’s not grow more of those weird tomatoes again.'.
• Headline: Future Insights at Morven and Drumthwacket. Impact: If Morven and Drumthwacket had been able to teleport into the future, they would have realized that their biggest threat wasn’t time travelers but rather reality TV shows about house renovations.. Fact: Did you know? Morven and Drumthwacket are not the names of new indie bands, but they could totally be!.
• Headline: GARDENING; WORKHORSES OF THE SUMMER GARDEN. Impact: The survival of native plants in summer gardens could have inspired future generations to rely less on imported produce, leading to a national movement of backyard gardens. Or, more realistically, just a lot of overwatered succulents.. Fact: Did you know? Most plants are just as confused about the weather as we are—except they can't complain on social media..
• Headline: TOWN SEEKS HOME FOR ART COLLECTION. Impact: The push to find a home for an art collection could have led to a cultural renaissance in the town, making it a hub for artists and art lovers alike. Instead, it’s probably just a town with a lot of 'meh' murals.. Fact: Did you know? Art collectors are basically the hoarders of the elite—just with better taste… and a lot less cat hair..
• Headline: 'WHIZ KIDS' LEARN IN MELTING POT. Impact: Rita Rindlisbacher's experience in a melting pot could have prompted a worldwide exchange program, leading to a more understanding and connected globe. Instead, we just got more 'cultural appropriation' hashtags.. Fact: Did you know? Melting pots are not just for cooking. They can also be a metaphor for awkward family reunions..
• Headline: THE TALK OF LEWISBORO; IN LEWISBORO, THE FUTURE IS CATCHING UP TO THE PAST. Impact: With rapid growth in Lewisboro, the post office could have become the center of community life, inspiring a new era of local engagement. Instead, it probably just led to more package delivery complaints.. Fact: Fun fact: Post offices are the original social networks… just with less trolling and more stamps..
• Headline: TRANSIT BRIEFS. Impact: Eliminating the bottleneck at the Hudson River tunnel might have transformed the region into a commuter’s paradise—imagine a world with less traffic and more time for leisure! Oh wait, never mind, that’s just science fiction.. Fact: Did you know? Traffic jams are like bad relationships—you sit there waiting for something to happen but it rarely does..
• Headline: 2 Lilco Deadlines Approach. Impact: If the Long Island Power Authority had successfully taken over the Long Island Lighting Company, it could have launched a wave of public utility takeovers across the country, giving rise to a new era of consumer empowerment—or just more bureaucratic red tape.. Fact: Fun fact: The phrase 'power struggle' is not just for politics—it also applies to deciding who controls the remote during family movie night..