JULY 19, 1987

Full News Archive

• Headline: Rising Support for Migrant Farm Workers. Impact: As support for migrant labor grows, a secret society of farmers emerges, creating a black market for organic produce, leading to a bizarre underground hipster culture that worships kale.. Fact: Did you know that if you say 'migrant labor' three times in front of a mirror, a group of farmers will appear to discuss organic farming practices? Just kidding, but it would be pretty cool..
• Headline: Brookhaven's Pit Bull Ban Proposal. Impact: The pit bull ban sparks an underground dog-fighting ring that inadvertently leads to the creation of a reality TV show, 'Pits and Giggles', which gains cult status.. Fact: Pit bulls are the only breed that can simultaneously win a 'Most Loving Pet' award while being debated for a ban. True talent!.
• Headline: Shinnecock Museum Proposal Sparks Conflict. Impact: The zoning debate ignites a feud between Southampton and the Shinnecock tribe, leading to a reality show called 'Zoning Wars: Tribal Edition' where they compete to see who can build the most ridiculous structures.. Fact: 347 years of harmony is impressive, but did you know it only takes one museum proposal to throw that out the window? Welcome to local politics!.
• Headline: VDT BILL: ALL EYES ON SUFFOLK LEGISBATION. Impact: The VDT bill creates a new job sector of 'screen watchers', leading to the rise of a new generation of people who can stare at screens for hours without any productivity—what a time to be alive!. Fact: Video-display terminals were once just fancy typewriters, but now they’re the reason you’re glued to your phone during family dinners. Progress!.
• Headline: A COUPLE SHARE ESTHETIC SENSIBILITY. Impact: The creative union of the artist couple leads to the invention of a new art movement called 'Artistic Spousal Confusion', which is basically just arguing over paint colors.. Fact: Artists are known for their unique perspectives, but did you know that the biggest argument they have is over whether to hang their art to the left or right of the couch?.
• Headline: PIANIST RE-ENTERS AN INTERRUPTED CAREER. Impact: Alicia Zizzo's return to the piano inspires a new trend of 'toothache music', leading to classical concerts that double as dental conventions.. Fact: Classical music is said to soothe the soul, but Alicia's excitement to return to it is basically the musical equivalent of a mid-life crisis..
• Headline: >A CONDUCTOR BEARING CLASSICS. Impact: Stephen Pomerantz's mission to break down classical music barriers leads to a bizarre genre fusion called 'classical rap', resulting in Beethoven's Fifth Symphony becoming a TikTok dance challenge.. Fact: Classical music has long been seen as highbrow, but did you know that a conductor trying to 'break the stone edifice' is just a fancy way of saying 'let's make this fun'?.
• Headline: PERSONAL FINANCE; Instead of a Cabin, a Condo Hotel Suite. Impact: Carl Michaels' condo hotel suite leads to the rise of vacation homes becoming the new status symbol, resulting in people naming their condos after Greek gods, because why not?. Fact: Condo hotel suites: because who needs a cabin in the woods when you can have a three-bedroom suite with room service? Priorities!.
• Headline: CELEBRATING AN ENGINEERING TRIUMPH. Impact: John Henderson's celebration of improved water quality leads to a national movement advocating for 'water tasting parties', which soon devolve into absurd competitions about who can drink the most H2O.. Fact: Water tasting is the only competition where you can hydrate and potentially drown at the same time. Talk about a liquid skill!.