JUNE 21, 1987

Full News Archive

• Headline: Edwin Romond: A Poet's Dual Life. Impact: The rise of the poet Edwin Romond inspired countless future teachers to take up poetry, leading to an unending cycle of cringe-worthy slam poetry slams in coffee shops across America. Thanks, Edwin!. Fact: Romond’s poetry is so captivating that it’s rumored even the coffee beans at the local café aspire to be as profound..
• Headline: Shift in Banking: Mutual Fund Interest. Impact: This revelation about mutual funds sparked a financial revolution, eventually leading to the creation of 'Banking: The Musical,' where customers sing about their life savings being in limbo.. Fact: Half of bank customers would switch for mutual funds, which is ironic, considering most people can't even switch their Netflix plan without a meltdown..
• Headline: Toxic Ash and Waste Management Debate. Impact: The debate over toxic ash led to an unexpected boom in the 'eco-friendly' t-shirt industry, where designers proudly display 'I Heart Toxic Waste' to make a statement about environmentalism—while ironically being part of the problem.. Fact: Incinerator ash is so controversial that it’s more likely to be invited to a debate than most politicians..
• Headline: GARDENING; WAYS TO BRING FLOWERING AND FRUITING. Impact: The struggles of gardeners turned into a global movement of plant whisperers, leading to the rise of plant therapy sessions where people sit around and emotionally support their wilting ferns.. Fact: If you talk to your plants, they may bloom. But if they don’t, at least you have someone to vent to about your life choices..
• Headline: WARNINGS ARE ISSUED ON TICK BITES. Impact: Dr. Terry Schulze’s warning led to an explosion of anti-tick fashion trends, where everyone started wearing full-body suits to protect themselves from the dreaded ticks, paving the way for the next big fashion week.. Fact: Lyme disease awareness skyrocketed, which is great—unless you’re a tick trying to make friends..
• Headline: INVESTING; Manville: No Place but Down?. Impact: The rollercoaster stock of Manville Corporation led to the invention of 'Asbestos Futures Trading,' where investors rode the waves of uncertainty until it all came crashing down in a cloud of hazardous material.. Fact: Investing in asbestos is like betting on a horse that’s already limping—bold move, my friend..
• Headline: LILCO TO RESUBMIT SHOREHAM REQUEST. Impact: This request made the Shoreham plant a topic of great debate, eventually inspiring a children’s book titled ‘The Little Power Plant That Could’—spoiler alert: it didn’t.. Fact: The Shoreham plant’s story is so riveting it’s been optioned for a blockbuster film, only to be indefinitely delayed due to lack of interest..
• Headline: DESPITE LOSSES, NEWARK STILL ENJOYS AIR BOOM. Impact: Newark's airport boom inspired a slew of 'Air Traffic Controller' reality shows, showcasing the drama of guiding planes while also dropping unsolicited life advice to pilots.. Fact: Newark Airport’s air traffic boom is so intense that even the planes have started forming unions for better working conditions..