JUNE 15, 1987

Full News Archive

• Headline: Brood 10 Cicadas' Noisy Return. Impact: The loud return of the cicadas inspired a generation of musicians to embrace 'cicada rock', forever altering the music scene with a cacophony of buzzing that would make your grandma's hearing aids malfunction.. Fact: Cicadas spend 17 years underground, which is roughly the same amount of time it takes for a teenager to figure out how to do their own laundry..
• Headline: Oldtimer Shares Boxing Insights. Impact: This advice led to a spike in backyard boxing matches, causing a minor revolution in the local culture where everyone suddenly thought they could be the next Rocky, resulting in a lot of bruised egos and insurance claims.. Fact: Boxing advice from an oldtimer is usually just code for 'I used to do this when I was young, and now I just want to watch you fail.'.
• Headline: NATURE WATCH; WHITE MARLIN. Impact: The fascination with white marlin led to an increase in deep-sea fishing tourism, resulting in the eventual rise of fishing-themed reality shows that would later contribute to the downfall of civilization as we know it.. Fact: The white marlin is not only a prized catch but also a great excuse for why you didn't catch anything else on that fishing trip – blame the marlin!.
• Headline: LONG ISLAND GUIDE. Impact: The faux-Renaissance castles drew in tourists who mistook them for real history, leading to a bizarre trend of theme parties where everyone pretended to be royalty, thus redefining 'medieval' in the most cringe-worthy way.. Fact: The closest most people will ever get to knighthood is being knighted by their kids as 'Most Likely to Burn Dinner.'.
• Headline: ALIEN AMNESTY OFF TO SLOW START. Impact: The sluggish start of alien amnesty led to a generation of sitcoms about immigrants navigating life in America, forever changing the landscape of television and ensuring we’d never take a single laugh for granted again.. Fact: The U.S. is known as the land of opportunity, but it’s also the land of paperwork, long lines, and endless waiting for a green card – so, you know, 'opportunity' with a side of bureaucracy..
• Headline: AS AGIED INCREASE, STUDY INTENSIFIES. Impact: The push for geriatric research resulted in a boom in elder care facilities, which eventually became the hipster hangout spots of the future where bingo nights are all the rage once again.. Fact: As we age, we become more interesting, but unfortunately, we also become more likely to forget where we left our glasses – they’re usually on our heads..
• Headline: INDIAN USES ART TO RECAPTURE HIS ROOTS. Impact: David Bunn Siklos’s art initiative inspired a renaissance of cultural pride that sparked a chain reaction of identity reclamation, leading to an annual festival where everyone awkwardly tried to dance to the beat of their ancestors’ drums.. Fact: Being a mix of so many cultures is like being the ultimate potluck: everyone brings their own dish, but nobody knows what to call it..