MAY 7, 1987

Full News Archive

• Headline: Martin Kove Stars in 'Steele Justice'. Impact: If Martin Kove's character had just decided to enjoy a quiet retirement, perhaps the entire action genre would have taken a different turn, leading to a world where action heroes knit instead of fight. Who knows, knitting might have become the new 'cool'?. Fact: Kove's character probably could have settled for a nice life in California without the whole 'drug czar' business. But hey, who doesn't want to be a war vet with a side hustle?.
• Headline: Exploring 'A Wicked Stepfather' Film. Impact: This film's portrayal of a slasher could have inspired a generation of husbands to reconsider their career choices. Maybe they all went into accounting instead, leading to a spike in boring dinner conversations.. Fact: It’s amazing how a thin plot can still get people to the edge of their seats—mostly because they want to escape the awkwardness..
• Headline: Exploring 'River's Edge': A Disturbing Drama. Impact: Teenagers banding together over murder likely set the precedent for every teen drama ever, causing an influx of young people to believe they too could solve crimes rather than do their homework.. Fact: If only the teenagers had spent that time studying, they might have avoided a few awkward high school reunions—oh wait, that’s not a thing anymore, is it?.
• Headline: ABOUT REAL ESTATE; CLUSTER BUILDER'S NEW ENTICEMENT: ADJACENT WOODS. Impact: The idea of living adjacent to woods could lead to a surge in hipsters seeking 'authentic' experiences, resulting in a rise in overpriced cabin rentals and a shortage of actual trees.. Fact: Ah yes, the allure of pastoral living. Because nothing says 'peaceful home' like a squirrel stealing your Wi-Fi signal..
• Headline: FILM: 'GARDENS OF STONE' PORTRAYS VIETNAM ERA. Impact: Coppola’s retrospective on the Vietnam era likely influenced countless filmmakers to explore themes of war, leading to a cinematic landscape where every director feels the need to tackle deep subjects, often resulting in pretentious films nobody really wants to see.. Fact: Verbose doesn’t even begin to cover it; you might need a thesaurus just to get through the dialogue!.