APRIL 26, 1987

Full News Archive

• Headline: Divisive Debate on Science School Proposal. Impact: If only the legislators had just agreed, we could have had a generation of scientists that might have invented a time machine to stop all the silly arguments over school funding. But alas, instead, we got more debates and a generation of kids wondering why math is so hard. Fact: Did you know that arguing about education is basically a sport for politicians? They’ve been playing it for decades with no clear winner in sight!.
• Headline: Parental Rights Legislation Revisions Proposed. Impact: This proposal could have led to a future where parents are treated like expired warranties—voided and tossed aside with little thought. Who knows how many ‘bad parent’ labels would have been handed out like candy at Halloween?. Fact: Fun fact: The term 'helicopter parent' didn’t exist back then, but it’s amazing how many have been hovering around since the dawn of time, just waiting to be criticized!.
• Headline: KEY ISSUES FOR L.I. TAKE SHAPE IN ALBANY. Impact: If only they had resolved these issues quickly, Long Island could’ve become an environmental paradise! Instead, it’s more like an ongoing episode of 'Survivor: Politician Edition'. Fact: They say politics is the art of looking busy while doing nothing. Albany must be the Louvre of that art form!.
• Headline: LOUIS SULLIVAN'S CHICAGO. Impact: The fate of Sullivan's buildings could be seen as a metaphor for art's struggle against time—if only preservationists had a time machine, maybe they could have saved his masterpieces from the wrecking ball!. Fact: Sullivan is often called the father of modern architecture, which is ironic considering how often his work was neglected. It's like being the parent of a child who runs away from home!.
• Headline: WHAT'S NEW IN PRIVATE PRISONS; CARPETS AND COURSES FOR $100 A DAY. Impact: This could have sparked a new trend in luxury incarceration, making prison life a vacation destination for the wrong reasons. Who needs a spa day when you can enroll in 'Basic Criminality 101'?. Fact: Did you know that for $100 a day, you could also just rent a really nice hotel room? But hey, who doesn’t love a good prison-themed escape room?.
• Headline: O'ROURKE RELEASES LIST OF COUNTY LAND. Impact: This innocuous list could have been the first step towards transforming county land into a utopia of affordable housing—if only the local officials hadn’t interpreted it as a treasure map for their pet projects. Fact: County land lists: the adult version of a scavenger hunt, but with way less fun and way more red tape!.
• Headline: TWO HADYNS AND 2 EXPERTS IN CAMDEN. Impact: If the Haydn festival had gained enough popularity, we could have seen a revival of classical music, leading to a world where classical concerts replace rock festivals—imagine headbanging to symphonies!. Fact: It's said that Joseph Haydn had a sense of humor about music, which is ironic considering how serious everyone else takes it. Imagine a symphony with a laugh track!.
• Headline: TO SAVE WATER BIRDS, THEY'LL COUNT THEM. Impact: Counting water birds could have sparked a global movement for wildlife conservation. If only someone had thought to include an app—it might have gone viral!. Fact: Birdwatching: the quietest way to lose friends while pretending you’re super into nature. Just don’t forget the binoculars!.