APRIL 22, 1987

Full News Archive

• Headline: A Controversial Interview Reflection. Impact: This interview sparked a secret society of Southern liberals, who went on to create a covert network dedicated to ensuring their children marry someone who can actually spell. Thus began the great educational reform of the 21st century, one awkward family dinner at a time.. Fact: In the South, 'liberal' is often considered a four-letter word, but not in the way you think. It's more like an invitation to an unexpected family feud!.
• Headline: Protecting Furniture's Finish Techniques. Impact: Little did they know, the obsession with furniture finishes led to a nationwide competition where people began to treat their wood like fine wine. This resulted in a bizarre trend where people started aging their chairs in cellars, thinking it would increase their value. Spoiler alert: It didn't.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more protected than your furniture's finish is your grandma's secret pie recipe? Good luck prying that out of her!.
• Headline: Cats Ascend to Top Pet Popularity. Impact: The rise of cats to the number one pet position sent shockwaves through the canine community, leading to a secret summit where dogs devised a plan to sabotage catnip production. This, ironically, resulted in a catnip bubble that burst in 2025, leaving millions of cats in existential crises.. Fact: Cats became popular because they realized that all they had to do was sit on a keyboard and humans would do the rest. Dogs are still trying to figure out how to send emails..