APRIL 20, 1987

Full News Archive

• Headline: 'Lost' Artist Recalls W.P.A. Days. Impact: Ida Abelman's nostalgic trip down memory lane leads to a resurgence of WPA-inspired public art projects in the 2020s, making everyone question why we stopped painting murals of fruit baskets on government buildings.. Fact: Did you know that the W.P.A. was responsible for creating some of the most iconic American artworks? So, basically, they were the hipsters of their time, just without the artisanal coffee shops..
• Headline: Unlocking Gardening Success Through Soil Prep. Impact: The revelation that soil is important leads to a worldwide gardening craze, resulting in humanity's collective decision to become a little too obsessed with houseplants, causing a global shortage of potting soil in 2035.. Fact: Soil is like the unsung hero of gardening. It's the quiet friend that holds everything together while you take selfies with your kale..
• Headline: Improvements at Newark International Airport. Impact: The $14 million spent on taxiway improvements inadvertently inspires a new trend: people deciding that taxiways should also be fashion runways, leading to the first-ever New York Fashion Week for taxi drivers in 2025.. Fact: Ever notice how airports are the only places where you can be late and still somehow feel like a VIP? I mean, where else can you run through a terminal and still expect to catch your flight?.
• Headline: THE CAREFUL SHOPPER. Impact: Defender Industries' commitment to marine discounts ignites a fierce competition among marine supply stores, resulting in a bizarre trend where boaters are now more concerned about discounts than their actual boats sinking.. Fact: Shopping for marine supplies is like an extreme sport. One wrong decision and you could end up with the world's most expensive fishing line..
• Headline: GARDENING; SOIL IS A PREREQUISITE FOR SUCCESS. Impact: The revelation that soil is important leads to a worldwide gardening craze, resulting in humanity's collective decision to become a little too obsessed with houseplants, causing a global shortage of potting soil in 2035.. Fact: Soil is like the unsung hero of gardening. It's the quiet friend that holds everything together while you take selfies with your kale..
• Headline: BAN ON A BOAT PAINT GAINS ON EAST END. Impact: The movement against toxic boat paints inspires a new generation of eco-friendly boaters, leading to a bizarre fashion trend where boaters proudly display 'I boat sustainably' bumper stickers on their eco-vans.. Fact: It's ironic how boaters want to save the ocean but often forget that their boats are practically floating toxic waste dumps. But hey, at least they use recycled toilet paper!.
• Headline: ART; 'MONUMENTAL TO MINIATURE' AT THE GALLERY IN HASTINGS. Impact: The whimsical nature of the exhibition leads to an unexpected surge in the popularity of miniature art, culminating in an awkward miniatures festival where everyone pretends to be fascinated by tiny sculptures of everyday objects.. Fact: Miniature art is basically the equivalent of a toddler's finger painting—adorable, but nobody's hanging it in the Louvre anytime soon..
• Headline: RUTGERS DEFENDS TUITION INCREASES. Impact: Rutgers' 22% tuition hike sets off a chain reaction in universities, leading to an annual 'Tuition Increase Olympics' where schools compete for the most outrageous tuition hikes while students just compete for ramen noodles.. Fact: Tuition increases are like a bad magic trick: now you see it, now your savings are gone, and poof, you're left wondering what just happened..