MARCH 1, 1987

Full News Archive

• Headline: Ocean Authority Faces Legislative Challenges. Impact: If only Governor Kean had just thrown a giant beach ball into the ocean instead of proposing a whole authority. Surf's up, folks! Instead, we now have decades of endless debates and no clean ocean. Great job, everyone!. Fact: Did you know that the ocean is 70% of the Earth's surface? Yeah, good luck trying to control that with a hearing!.
• Headline: Exploring Debt and Currency's Future. Impact: The existential crisis stemming from debt and the dollar led to a ripple effect of people googling 'how to become a minimalist' while hiding from their credit card bills. Thanks, 1980s!. Fact: Did you know that the dollar is a piece of paper that can literally buy you happiness? If only you could pay off your student loans with it!.
• Headline: Shoreham Nuclear Debate Gains National Attention. Impact: The Shoreham Nuclear Power Plant debate took on a life of its own, leading to a nationwide obsession with the phrase 'not in my backyard,' which has since become a rallying cry for every neighborhood watch group across America. Nuclear or not, everyone wants their picket fences intact!. Fact: Did you know that nuclear power plants can provide energy for millions? Too bad they also provide endless debates for the rest of us!.
• Headline: SPEAKING PERSONALLY; COMMUTER WIVES: THEY SERVE, SIT AND WAIT -- AND WAIT. Impact: The rise of commuter wives has inadvertently created a generation of multitaskers who can handle everything from diaper duty to grocery shopping while still waiting for their husbands to return. It’s the ultimate endurance test – and they win medals for patience!. Fact: Did you know that 'DA-DA' is actually the universal word for 'I’m hungry' in toddler language? Yeah, that diaper man is in for a surprise!.
• Headline: STATE'S AGENT ORANGE AIDES JOIN OTHERS TO UNIFY EFFORTS. Impact: The formation of this national association led to veterans finally getting the medical attention they deserved, which also sparked a slew of conspiracy theories about government cover-ups. Because why not add a layer of drama?. Fact: Did you know that Agent Orange was so toxic that it turned the lush jungles of Vietnam into barren landscapes? Talk about an ecological disaster!.
• Headline: CHAPPAQUA MAN HEADS U.S. LIBRARIES PANEL. Impact: Kenneth Y. Tomlinson's efforts to increase library visibility ironically led to the creation of the 'Library Whisperer' profession, where people now get paid to shush you in a whole new way. Thanks, Ken!. Fact: Did you know that libraries are like the internet but with less cat videos? Shocking, I know!.
• Headline: GRAMMY WINNER: 'A GREAT FEELING'. Impact: Russ Titelman's promotion at Warner Brothers led to a chain reaction of musicians believing they could also be executives, culminating in the famous 'Jesse from accounting' album that no one asked for. Thanks for the musical chaos!. Fact: Did you know that the music industry operates on a 'fake it till you make it' basis? Just look at all the one-hit wonders!.
• Headline: WAHT'S DOING IN; MUNICH. Impact: Thomas Wolfe's glowing praise of Munich transformed it into a tourist hotspot, resulting in the city becoming the epicenter of beer festivals and bratwurst consumption. Who knew literature could lead to hangovers?. Fact: Did you know that Munich hosts the world's largest beer festival, Oktoberfest? It's basically a rite of passage for those who can handle their steins!.
• Headline: CAREFUL SHOPPER. Impact: The rise of the 'Careful Shopper' has led to the emergence of extreme couponing, where people are now competing to see who can save the most money. Forget the Olympics; this is the real sport!. Fact: Did you know that some people have turned shopping into a full-time job? If only there were a medal for that!.
• Headline: APARTMENTS SUBSIDIZED BUT NOT CHEAP. Impact: The launch of Newbury Common's subsidized housing marked the beginning of the eternal struggle between affordable living and 'I can't believe I'm paying this much for rent!' The cycle continues!. Fact: Did you know that subsidized housing is like a unicorn? It sounds great in theory, but good luck finding one that doesn't cost an arm and a leg!.