JANUARY 22, 1987

Full News Archive

• Headline: Revitalizing Chicopee's Historic Mills. Impact: By converting old mills into modern housing, we unknowingly set off a chain reaction of hipster gentrification. Now, every time a mill is repurposed, somewhere a barista rolls their eyes while crafting an overpriced latte in a reclaimed wood café.. Fact: This trend is so popular that if you say 'mill' in a real estate meeting, someone will likely show up wearing suspenders and a beard..
• Headline: Exploring the Art of Old Planes. Impact: The fascination with old woodworking planes sparked a secret society of collectors who believe these planes hold the souls of ancient carpenters. They gather weekly to commune with their planes, unaware that their obsession is driving up prices in estate sales.. Fact: These planes are so old they could have helped build the very furniture you’re using to read this. Talk about a legacy!.
• Headline: Reviving Tradition: Vegetable Dyes in Rugs. Impact: Reviving the tradition of vegetable dyes in rugs led to an unexpected surge in hipster rug-making workshops. Now, every time someone walks on a new rug, a tiny part of the environment thanks them for not using synthetic dyes, while the rug silently judges their footwear.. Fact: Using vegetable dyes is basically nature’s way of saying, 'Welcome to the 21st century, where we pretend to care about our planet while still binge-watching reality TV.'.
• Headline: HERS. Impact: The revelation about the lending area storing bodies led to a nationwide panic about banking and an unexpected spike in horror-themed finance movies. Now, every time a bank is mentioned in a film, someone shouts 'I see dead people!' and the box office rises.. Fact: If you replaced the term 'lending area' with 'graveyard,' it would definitely make banking more interesting—and probably a little more honest..