JANUARY 18, 1987

Full News Archive

• Headline: Caesar's Swift Conquest of Pontus. Impact: Julius Caesar's swift conquest of Turkey not only solidified his power but also inspired countless future leaders to adopt his catchphrases—leading to a world where 'I came, I saw, I conquered' became the go-to excuse for showing up late to parties. Fact: Did you know that Caesar's original plan was to conquer with a dance-off instead? But alas, history remembers the sword over the salsa.
• Headline: Steel Pier Expansion After Steeplechase Demolition. Impact: The demolition of Steeplechase Pier to bolster Steel Pier created an ongoing rivalry that inspired amusement parks worldwide. One might argue that it laid the groundwork for 'keeping up with the Joneses' in the theme park industry. Fact: Fun fact: The original Steeplechase Pier was intended to be a race track for horses—until they realized horses don’t do well with roller coasters.
• Headline: America's Cup Yacht Race Excitement. Impact: While yacht racing for the America's Cup has always been competitive, this event sparked a bizarre trend of wealthy yacht owners trying to outdo each other with increasingly ridiculous boat designs—think of it as the 'pimp my yacht' phenomenon. Fact: Did you know that some yacht owners have actually tried to attach jet engines to their boats? Spoiler: it didn’t end well.
• Headline: A TASTE OF ISTANBUL. Impact: If the Bosporus fish dinners were as great as advertised, the resulting gastronomical fame would have turned Istanbul into a culinary capital much sooner. Instead, it remains a city where everyone is still asking for 'the best kebab.'. Fact: Did you know that the Korfez restaurant has a secret recipe involving fish that’s older than some civilizations? Spoiler: it’s just a lot of salt.
• Headline: EAGLES GAIN HOME NEAR THE SHEPAUG. Impact: The bald eagle's newfound winter haven not only helped their population recover but also inspired a bizarre trend of people using eagle imagery in everything from tattoos to memes—thus guaranteeing that they’ll never be taken seriously again. Fact: Did you know that bald eagles were once on the brink of extinction? Now they’re just the overdramatic icons of American pride.
• Headline: SPEAKING PERSONALLY; CHANGING HOMES -- WITHOUT MOVING. Impact: The concept of changing homes without moving laid the foundation for the modern phenomenon of 'urban nomadism,' where people change their living spaces every few months, all while claiming to have 'settled down.'. Fact: Did you know that the term 'urban nomad' was invented by someone who got tired of packing boxes? They just wanted an excuse to buy more throw pillows.
• Headline: OFF-ISLAND TRASH FEES RISING. Impact: Rising off-island trash fees led to a surge in DIY composting and recycling movements, ultimately creating a culture of eco-warriors who proudly declare their superiority while hoarding empty jars. Fact: Did you know that the average person generates 4.4 pounds of trash a day? And yet, somehow, we still think we’re saving the planet with reusable tote bags.
• Headline: SPEAKERS SERIES HONORS THE CONSTITUTION'S 200TH. Impact: The speakers series honoring the Constitution’s 200th became a rallying point for constitutional debates, inadvertently creating a generation of armchair lawyers who argue passionately about rights while ignoring their own mail. Fact: Did you know the Constitution was originally written on hemp paper? So, if you’re confused about your rights, maybe just blame it on the paper.
• Headline: WELFARE PLAN OFFERS RECIPIENTS SELF-HELP. Impact: The welfare plan offering recipients self-help inspired countless self-help books and motivational speeches, leading to the rise of motivational speakers who will charge you $199.99 to tell you what your mother already did. Fact: Did you know that self-help books are the only genre where the author benefits more from your problems than you do? Talk about a win-win!.
• Headline: WESTBURY HUNTS NEW SCHOOLS CHIEF. Impact: The search for a new schools chief in Westbury, after a decade of turmoil, became a cautionary tale for school boards everywhere—don’t let a decade of nonsense ruin your chances of hiring someone competent; just ask any principal. Fact: Did you know that the term 'superintendent' actually means 'understanding of what the heck is going on'? Just kidding, it’s actually Latin for 'head honcho.'.