JANUARY 13, 1987

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Leadership at Masco Industries. Impact: Erwin H. Billig's ascension to president sparked a renaissance in corporate jargon, leading to the widespread adoption of phrases like 'synergy' and 'out-of-the-box thinking' in boardrooms everywhere. Eventually, these phrases became so overused that they led to the great Corporate Speak Purge of 2035, where all business meetings were replaced by interpretive dance. Fact: Did you know that 'Masco' is actually an ancient word meaning 'the place where executives go to pretend they understand each other'?.
• Headline: Mark Scallion's Journey to Excellence. Impact: Mark Scallion's obsession with John Havlicek unknowingly created a ripple effect that led to countless youth today believing that their childhood sports idols can be replicated—thus leading to the rise of countless mediocre basketball players who think they can dunk like pros, resulting in a surge of emergency room visits and a boom in orthopedic practices. Fact: Fun fact: Many believe that Mark Scallion's inability to remember early Havlicek is a collective memory loss phenomenon connected to the trauma of watching his team lose repeatedly.
• Headline: Merrill Lynch Promotes Kenneth H. Miller. Impact: Kenneth H. Miller's promotion at Merrill Lynch triggered an avalanche of financial experts trying to outdo each other with increasingly ridiculous job titles, culminating in the creation of roles like 'Chief Happiness Officer' and 'Director of Synergistic Realignment'—because who wouldn't want to be the vice president of something you can't even explain at parties?. Fact: Did you know that 'merchant banking' is just a fancy way of saying 'we'll take your money and make it disappear... but in a very sophisticated way'?.