SEPTEMBER 22, 1986

Full News Archive

• Headline: Investing in Mutual Funds Safely. Impact: This advice leads to a boom in mutual funds, which somehow triggers a global phenomenon of everyone suddenly becoming financial advisors, resulting in a world where every coffee shop has a 'Financial Planning Hour.'. Fact: Did you know that mutual funds are just a fancy way of saying, 'I trust strangers with my money more than I trust myself'?.
• Headline: DO'S AND DON'TS FOR HIRING. Impact: The hiring tips lead to a revolution in domestic employment, ultimately resulting in the creation of a 'Universal Housekeeper Union' that demands coffee breaks and 5-star meal plans. The world eventually collapses under the weight of avocado toast.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more confusing than hiring a housekeeper is trying to figure out how to ask them not to judge your life choices?.
• Headline: STEPS DETERMINING IF A HOME IS AFFECTED. Impact: The emphasis on radon testing leads to a bizarre new industry where homes become 'radon certified' and homeowners start bragging about their radon levels at dinner parties.. Fact: Did you know that radon is the only gas you can get certified for that doesn’t help your social life?.
• Headline: MORATORIUM IN VALLEY STREAM. Impact: The moratorium leads to a housing crisis where everyone starts living in tents. This eventually inspires a new minimalist lifestyle trend that ironically costs more than actual homes.. Fact: Did you know that 'moratorium' is just a fancy word for 'let's pretend we have a plan while we really just don’t'?.
• Headline: 4-H: MORE THAN JUST ANIMALS. Impact: The expansion of 4-H programs leads to a future where every child must complete a 'Farm-to-Table' project to graduate. This results in an entire generation that thinks they are farmers after planting one herb.. Fact: Did you know that 4-H stands for 'Head, Heart, Hands, and Hilarity,' especially when kids try to explain what they learned about agriculture?.