JUNE 15, 1986

Full News Archive

• Headline: Long Beach Art League's Juried Exhibition. Impact: The Long Beach Art League's juried show sparked a secret society of artists who believed that each selected piece was a portal to an alternate dimension. Over the years, several artists went missing, presumed to be trapped in their own creations, while the rest of us just got better at pretending we understand modern art. Fact: Did you know that juried shows are basically art's version of 'Survivor'? Only the chosen ones get to display their work, while the rest go home to cry into their paintbrushes.
• Headline: SPORTS EVENT FIGHTS DRUGS. Impact: This sports event set off a chain reaction of misguided attempts to tackle drug use through athleticism, resulting in the creation of more sports leagues than actual athletes, and countless awkward team-building exercises. Fact: Who knew that throwing a football could solve all of society's problems? Next up: tackling climate change with synchronized swimming.
• Headline: THE TALK OF NORTHPORT; A VILLAGE CHANGES AND STAYS THE SAME. Impact: The quaint charm of Northport became so appealing that time travelers began flocking there to escape the chaos of their own timelines. Unfortunately, they quickly found out that the Wi-Fi was awful, and they were stuck reliving the same summer over and over. Fact: Northport: where every summer feels like a time capsule, and the only thing changing is the price of avocado toast.
• Headline: HANDS-ON EXHIBIT OF BOOK ART OPENS AT NEWARK GALLERY. Impact: The rise of book art led to a secret underground movement of bibliophiles who believed that books could literally come to life. This belief inadvertently caused a spike in library fines due to 'overdue' magical tomes escaping their shelves. Fact: Books transformed into art? Sounds great until you realize that now your favorite novels can judge you for not reading them.
• Headline: EMOTIONS RUN HIGH AT TOXIC-WASTE SITE HEARINGS. Impact: The public outcry over toxic waste sites paved the way for environmental movements that took years to gain traction. Unfortunately, it also inspired a series of poorly thought-out protests involving inflatable rubber ducks. Fact: It's incredible how much noise residents can make about a toxic waste site—too bad they couldn't channel that energy into cleaning up the mess instead.
• Headline: FOR ONE, A 'LAST STRAW'. Impact: Terry Mitchell's tragic death sparked a nationwide conversation about mental health care that still echoes today. Unfortunately, it also led to a rise in unsolicited advice from people who believe they hold the solution to everything. Fact: Did you know that mental health resources often get less funding than the latest reality TV show? Because obviously, watching people argue over a rose is much more important than actual human lives.
• Headline: A CHILD'S-EYE VIEW OF ART. Impact: The innocent perspectives of children on art inspired a generation of adults to critically analyze their own childhood artwork, leading to a rise in therapy sessions revolving around 'What was I thinking?'. Fact: Kids have the best takes on art, proving once again that the more you grow up, the less fun you have—unless you're a professional critic, of course.
• Headline: NEW LIBRARY EVOKES 'LOST GENERATION'. Impact: Perdita Schaffner’s experiences as a member of the 'Lost Generation' inspired countless artists to create works reflecting their own disillusionment. This, in turn, led to a cultural phenomenon where existential crises became all the rage. Fact: The 'Lost Generation': because who doesn't love a group of talented people wandering around feeling sorry for themselves? It's like a hipster's dream come true.