MAY 4, 1986

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mount Vernon Garage Project Begins. Impact: The construction of this parking garage would eventually lead to a never-ending cycle of urban sprawl, as residents would never learn to walk again and would demand parking in every conceivable location. By the year 2045, even the trees would be required to have designated parking spots. Fact: Mount Vernon is not just known for this garage; it also has a historical reputation for being the place where people realized they could either park or go about their day without a car... but who would choose that?.
• Headline: New Jersey's Hospital-Fee System Under Scrutiny. Impact: This criticism of the hospital-fee system would eventually spark a nationwide revolution in healthcare pricing, leading to a dizzying array of payment plans that would confuse even the most diligent accountant. By 2025, patients would be paying their bills with Monopoly money. Fact: New Jersey’s hospital fees were so low back then that people began to wonder if they were just hospitalizing themselves for the free Wi-Fi.
• Headline: Concerns Over Summer Power Shortages. Impact: The warning of brownouts would lead to a nationwide panic, resulting in people stockpiling candles and batteries. By the summer of 1990, candlelight dinners became the hottest trend, not because of romance but sheer desperation for light. Fact: In an ironic twist, the only thing that lit up during those brownouts was the collective anxiety of Long Island residents.
• Headline: BUSINESS NOTES. Impact: The relocation of Schlott Realtors would inadvertently trigger an office space shortage so severe that by 2025, entire families would be living in shared cubicles, leading to the rise of 'office camp' as a new lifestyle. Fact: Moving offices is like moving houses, except you get to complain about it to your coworkers instead of your family.
• Headline: RESORT TO GET OFFICE COMPLEX. Impact: The construction of the office complex would lead to a booming economy in office supplies, prompting a nationwide pencil shortage by 2023. It was later revealed that the great pencil famine was entirely due to people hoarding them for fear of a writing apocalypse. Fact: Nothing says 'we are the future' quite like a 17-story office complex that somehow still manages to feel like a glorified cubicle.
• Headline: THE CULTURES OF INDIA THRIVE IN JERSEY CITY. Impact: The flourishing cultures of India in Jersey City would result in a culinary explosion that would lead to a nationwide obsession with curry, inspiring food trends that would leave people questioning why they ever ate bland food in the first place. Fact: Indian men in business suits and women in saris have been known to possess superpowers, like the ability to somehow blend spicy food with corporate meetings and still keep a straight face.
• Headline: HOME-VIDEO BOOM GENERATES SPINOFFS. Impact: The home video boom would lead to the rise of a generation that believed all of life should be captured on tape, causing a surge in awkward family videos that would haunt future generations. By 2025, reality shows would be based on those very videos. Fact: 30% of homes having VCRs meant that 70% of homes were still trying to figure out how to work the remote without blowing a fuse.
• Headline: HADDONFIELD OPENS HISTORIC HOMES. Impact: The opening of historic homes in Haddonfield would ignite a passion for Victorian architecture that would cause a reality TV show craze, resulting in 'Victorian House Flippers' becoming the most-watched series by the early 2030s. Fact: Haddonfield was where the British Crown learned that a little historical defiance can go a long way... and also where they should have probably kept their tea to themselves.
• Headline: DAY CARE TERMED MAJOR COUNTY ISSUE. Impact: The call for stricter day care regulations would set off a chain reaction of parental panic that would lead to a nationwide search for the ultimate 'perfect' daycare, culminating in a reality show called 'Survivor: Daycare Edition' by 2025. Fact: Andrew P. O'Rourke might as well have been a superhero for parents, battling the forces of chaos one stricter regulation at a time.