APRIL 6, 1986

Full News Archive

• Headline: Enhance Your Garden with Fruit Trees. Impact: If only the world had listened to these gardening tips sooner, we might have avoided the global fruit shortage of 2045, which started because people didn’t know how to plant a peach tree. Who knew that gardening could be so revolutionary?. Fact: Did you know that planting a fruit tree can also provide shade for your existential crises? Just think of it as a multi-purpose therapy session!.
• Headline: The Island's Connection to DES Tragedy. Impact: The rare cancer linked to DES might have spurred a hidden society of women who swore off pharmaceuticals for life, leading to a rise in herbal remedy sales and the inception of yoga studios in every corner of the world.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more rare than this cancer was the chance for the pharmaceutical companies to admit they made a mistake. Spoiler: They never did..
• Headline: David C. Schwartz's Spotlight Award. Impact: David C. Schwartz's questionable title as 'urban maven' led to a decade-long trend of New Jerseyans denoting the most mundane personalities with extravagant titles, making every barista now a 'caffeine curator.'. Fact: In New Jersey, even the squirrels have titles. Just wait until you hear about the 'Nut Procurement Specialist.'.
• Headline: PIKE RAISES QUESTIONS ON PLANNING. Impact: The debate on the New Jersey Turnpike’s widening ignited a nationwide movement against poorly planned infrastructure, leading to the eventual extinction of poorly designed highway rest areas – and a rise in roadside diner culture.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing wider than the New Jersey Turnpike is the state’s reputation for being the 'armpit of America'? A true achievement!.
• Headline: RENT DEPOSITS WOULD HELP BUILD HOUSING. Impact: Connecticut’s use of renters' security deposits to fund housing led to a nationwide trend of creative financing that eventually resulted in the invention of the 'Rent-Back Guarantee' – which just sounds like a real estate scam.. Fact: Did you know that Connecticut was also the birthplace of the term 'money pit'? Coincidence? I think not!.
• Headline: STATE WARY OF CONTRACTS BY COUNTIES ON GARBAGE. Impact: The state’s skepticism about garbage contracts led to a dramatic rise in the use of composting and recycling in the 90s, creating a new generation of eco-warriors who believed they could save the planet with their own kitchen scraps.. Fact: Did you know that the most dangerous thing you can throw in a landfill is a politician? They seem to multiply down there!.
• Headline: BUSINESS NOTES. Impact: Peat, Marwick, Mitchell & Company relocating to Montvale sparked a wave of corporate migrations that ultimately led to the gentrification of suburban office spaces, causing an actual shortage of good coffee in New York City.. Fact: Did you know that every time a big company moves, a hipster somewhere opens an artisanal coffee shop to fill the void? Nature’s balance, I suppose..
• Headline: INVESTING; TRACKING THE FOREIGN EQUITY MARKETS. Impact: As money managers looked abroad for equity, it inadvertently led to a renaissance of international cuisine in America as they all decided to celebrate their newfound wealth with sushi and tapas instead of burgers.. Fact: Did you know that the stock market is just like a buffet? You have to choose wisely, or you might end up regretting that second helping of tech stocks!.
• Headline: LONG ISLAND GUIDE. Impact: The art collection context discussion led to a philosophical awakening that made art critics suddenly take their jobs too seriously, creating a new breed of pretentious gallery-goers who can’t stop talking about 'the existential angst of the avocado.'. Fact: Fun fact: If you want your art collection to impress, just throw in a couple of framed avocados and watch the critics swoon!.