AUGUST 25, 1985

Full News Archive

• Headline: Umbria: An Artistic Inspiration. Impact: If artists had never flocked to Umbria, we might be living in a world where modern art consists solely of stick figures and paint splatters on pizza boxes. The butterfly flaps its wings, and suddenly we’re stuck with only selfies as art!. Fact: Did you know that if you stare at a painting in Umbria long enough, it’s said that you can actually hear it whispering your deepest regrets? Or maybe that's just the local wine talking..
• Headline: Dining Out: Woodbridge Hilton Experience. Impact: The fate of hotel dining could have been forever altered if the Woodbridge Hilton had actually served edible food. Instead, it became a cautionary tale, inspiring future hoteliers to at least try not to serve cardboard.. Fact: Did you know that hotel restaurants are the only places where you can pay $30 for a burger that tastes like it was cooked by someone who just lost a bet?.
• Headline: Explore the Beach Flea Wonders. Impact: If people hadn’t taken notice of the beach flea, we might have ended up with an entire generation of beachgoers mistaking them for rare Pokémon. The butterfly flaps, and suddenly you’re dodging tiny, hopping critters instead of catching 'em all.. Fact: Did you know that these tiny sand hoppers can jump up to 20 times their body length? If only they could jump out of my nightmares too..
• Headline: GARDENING; SOME CHORES FOR LATE SUMMER. Impact: If everyone ignored their gardening chores, we could have seen an explosion of urban jungles, leading to the rise of a new gardening cult where people worshipped weeds. The butterfly flaps, and suddenly your backyard is the Amazon rainforest.. Fact: Did you know that the primary job of a garden gnome is to look judgmental while you neglect your lawn? They take their job very seriously..
• Headline: 1,100-HORSE SHOW MAY MARK TREND. Impact: The success of the Hampton Classic could have meant the East End turned into horse country, with every resident forced to adopt a horse as a status symbol. Imagine the traffic jams caused by horse-drawn carriages!. Fact: Did you know that horse shows are the only events where you can see more fancy outfits than actual horses? It's like a fashion show, but with more manure..
• Headline: CAMPAIGNS TAKE SHAPE IN ABORTION REFERENDUM IN BRISTOL. Impact: This referendum could have triggered a nationwide debate so intense that it would distract everyone from the real issues, like why we still haven’t fixed potholes. A butterfly flaps, and suddenly everyone is a political expert on social media.. Fact: Did you know that discussing abortion in public is the modern equivalent of stepping on a landmine? You never know when it will blow up in your face..
• Headline: LONG ISLAND GUIDE. Impact: The preservation of the Parsons Blacksmith Shop could have started a trend of restoring every old building in East Hampton, turning it into a historical theme park. The butterfly flaps, and suddenly everyone is paying to see a guy hammering metal.. Fact: Did you know that blacksmiths are like the original metalworkers, but with more soot and fewer safety regulations? They were basically the rock stars of their day!.
• Headline: WHERE TO STAY, WHERE TO EAT. Impact: If Austrian cuisine had remained unloved, we might be living in a world where schnitzel was considered an exotic dish, only found in overpriced fusion restaurants. A butterfly flaps, and suddenly your grandma's cooking is trendy!. Fact: Did you know that Austrian food was once so bad that it single-handedly caused people to invent fast food? You know it's bad when McDonald's starts looking gourmet!.