AUGUST 11, 1985

Full News Archive

• Headline: An Opera Homecoming Celebration. Impact: Alfredo Silipigni's triumphant return to the opera stage sparked a chain reaction, leading to a global resurgence in people pretending to enjoy opera while secretly wondering when the next pop concert is.. Fact: Fun fact: Opera singers can hit notes that shatter glass! So, next time you're at a concert, just be glad they didn't choose to perform in a glass factory..
• Headline: Explore the Legend of Sarah Bishop. Impact: Sarah Bishop's hermit story inspired a whole genre of 'crazy hermit tales,' influencing countless films and novels, thereby launching a thousand hipster blogs about solitude and nature.. Fact: If you ever wanted to live in a cave and call it home, just remember: you'll need Wi-Fi for those Instagram posts..
• Headline: LONG ISLAND GUIDE. Impact: The rise of sandcastle building as a legitimate summer activity led to the eventual establishment of competitive sandcastle championships, which in turn birthed a new Olympic event everyone pretends to care about.. Fact: Pro-tip: If your sandcastle collapses, just call it 'modern art' and charge admission..
• Headline: NARROW HOUSE RECIEVES WIDE ATTENTION. Impact: The skinny house craze sparked a real estate revolution, leading to the construction of homes so narrow that you could reach across the street from your living room window.. Fact: In the future, people will be buying skinny houses just to have an excuse to say 'I live in a house that's 10 feet wide' at dinner parties..
• Headline: IN MOOSUP, V-J IS PATRIOTIC FOCUS. Impact: The commemoration of V-J Day reignited national pride, leading to annual celebrations and a slight uptick in the sales of American flags, forever changing the fabric of patriotic decor.. Fact: V-J Day marked the end of World War II, which means we all owe a debt of gratitude to those who fought, so we could enjoy our BBQs and fireworks without a care in the world..
• Headline: INSURANCE RATES SOAR FOR DENTISTS. Impact: The skyrocketing insurance rates for dentists sparked a wave of dental innovations, including the invention of the 'pain-free' drill, which ironically caused more people to visit the dentist out of curiosity.. Fact: Did you know that dental insurance was so complicated that it’s practically its own language? Just ask anyone who's ever tried to decipher their benefits statement..
• Headline: F.A.A. CONTRACT SPURS HIGH-TECH EFFORT. Impact: This massive FAA project led to a future where drones are flying around autonomously, causing everyone to wonder if they should also invest in a tinfoil hat for the impending robot takeover.. Fact: If you thought air traffic control was complicated, just wait until you see how they handle the influx of flying pizza delivery drones. Because priorities, right?.