JULY 15, 1985

Full News Archive

• Headline: Duck Farms Face Uncertain Future. Impact: If duck farms in Long Island had been left to flourish, we might have seen a rise in duck-related fashion trends, leading to an eventual global obsession with duck-themed accessories. Imagine everyone wearing duck hats and carrying duck purses, while a new genre of music called 'Quack Hop' dominates the charts.. Fact: Apparently, the only thing more endangered than duck farms are people who think that 'duck' is a trendy dinner option..
• Headline: Colts Neck Housing Cost Rankings Revealed. Impact: The skyrocketing housing costs in Colts Neck could have led to a mass exodus of horse owners, ultimately resulting in a horse revolution where these noble creatures band together to demand better living conditions, perhaps even forming their own society.. Fact: Horses in Colts Neck might be living in luxury, but they still can't figure out how to use a smartphone. Priorities, right?.
• Headline: U.S. Tax Plan Impacts Long Island Growth. Impact: If the U.S. tax plan had not stifled growth, we might have seen a boom in local businesses, leading to a renaissance of innovative products. Who knows? We could be sipping our morning coffee from a self-stirring mug designed by a Long Island genius.. Fact: Of course, the only thing more complicated than U.S. tax plans is trying to explain them to your grandmother..
• Headline: ON LECTURE CIRCUIT, TALK IS NOT CHEAP. Impact: The exorbitant fees for speakers like Madam Jehan Sadat could have led to a nationwide trend of everyone trying to monetize their life experiences. Soon, every person at the grocery store would be charging $20,000 for their grocery-list anecdotes.. Fact: Talk about inflation! At this rate, my life story could be worth a fortune. Or maybe just a cheap laugh..
• Headline: POLITICS IN BRIDGEPORT HEATING UP. Impact: As the political climate heats up in Bridgeport, it could lead to the creation of an underground network of campaigners who communicate through interpretive dance, forever changing the face of local politics.. Fact: Nothing says 'I care about your vote' quite like a dramatic pirouette in a town hall meeting..
• Headline: POLISH PRIDE IN RIVERHEAD. Impact: The rise in Polish pride in Riverhead might have led to an unexpected culinary fusion: Polish-Jamaican cuisine. Imagine pierogi with jerk seasoning taking over the food trucks!. Fact: Proudly displaying your cultural heritage is great—unless it involves making your house smell like cabbage for a week..
• Headline: DINNG OUT; A TASTE OF FRANCE IN RURAL SUSSEX. Impact: The discovery of a 'hole in the wall' restaurant could spark a culinary revolution, making every diner think they can become the next big food critic, ultimately leading to a world of endless Instagram food photos.. Fact: The only thing more common than finding a 'hole in the wall' restaurant is someone snapping a photo of their food before they even take a bite..