JUNE 9, 1985

Full News Archive

• Headline: Children's Aspirations for Summer Retreats. Impact: Monique's desire for a country vacation home sets off a real estate boom in the Catskills, leading to a gentrification war that results in overpriced avocado toasts becoming the official state food of New York. Fact: Children's dreams of summer homes have been known to cause spontaneous family road trips, resulting in some truly questionable karaoke performances.
• Headline: Xerox Alumni Networking and Collaboration. Impact: Xerox's alumni group inadvertently creates a secret society of former corporate overlords who gather annually to plot the rise of the next office supply empire. Fact: Networking is just a fancy way of saying, 'Let's pretend to be friends so we can use each other for free advice and LinkedIn endorsements.'.
• Headline: STAE BENEFITS SEEN IN TAX PLAN. Impact: Reagan's tax plan leads to a mass exodus of New Yorkers to New Jersey, ultimately resulting in the creation of the 'New Jersey Accent' as a new form of communication, loved and loathed across the nation. Fact: Alan Greenspan's predictions have often been as accurate as a weather forecast—sometimes it rains, sometimes it shines, but you’ll always need an umbrella just in case.
• Headline: WHAT'S NEW IN CORPORATE ALUMNI GROUPS; G.E. -- A QUASI-PLACEMENT SERVICE. Impact: Jack Trout's musings about life lead him to become a motivational speaker, inspiring a generation of copywriters to quit their jobs and pursue their dreams of becoming interpretive dancers instead. Fact: General Electric's motto used to be 'Imagination at Work', but they changed it to 'Imagination at Work... as long as it's profitable.'.
• Headline: BASEBALL TEAM BEING SOUGHT FOR STAMFORD. Impact: The push for minor league baseball in Stamford ignites a rivalry with nearby towns, leading to the 'Stamford Baseball Wars' where only the most ridiculous mascot survives. Fact: Minor league teams often have the best names, like the 'Burlington Sock Puppets', proving that the real competition is who's got the most absurd branding.
• Headline: PROJECT ON WAVES WINS AWARD. Impact: Beth's award-winning project on wave energy sparks a green revolution, resulting in every beach town trying to harness energy from beachgoers' complaints about sand in their sandwiches. Fact: Beth's project was initially just an elaborate excuse to avoid swimming lessons—who needs to swim when you can save the planet?.
• Headline: THE LIVELY ARTS; SOAP DIRECTOR RETURNS TO THE STAGE. Impact: Norman Hall's return to the stage leads to a series of reboots of old classics, ultimately culminating in a Broadway production of 'The Country Girl 2: Electric Boogaloo'. Fact: 'The Country Girl' was originally written as a cautionary tale about the dangers of too much coffee and not enough naps on set.
• Headline: INVESTING; RECORDS ASIDE, IT'S A DULL STOCK MARKET. Impact: The dull stock market causes a collective existential crisis among investors, leading to the invention of 'Investment Yoga' where they meditate on their financial decisions while pretending to be zen about losing money. Fact: The stock market's fluctuations are often compared to a rollercoaster, which is ironic because most investors would rather ride the carousel at this point.