JUNE 2, 1985

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Trends in Senior Interest Magazines. Impact: The surge in magazines targeting the over-50 market led to the rise of the 'Gray Power' movement, where seniors became the most influential voting bloc. Who knew that getting good advice on gardening would turn them into political titans?. Fact: Did you know that the average age of a magazine reader is now older than the average age of a member of Congress? Maybe they should start running for office!.
• Headline: Demonstrating Colonial Skills and Antiques. Impact: The revival of old skills not only brought back colonial crafts but also kickstarted a bizarre trend of hipsters trying to sell handmade wooden spoons at exorbitant prices. Thanks for ruining it for everyone, hipsters!. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'old skills' now applies to things like knitting and baking sourdough? Because apparently, we now need to be reminded how to do basic things!.
• Headline: Safeguarding Long Island's Waterways. Impact: Safe Boating Week inadvertently led to a spike in inflatable flamingo sales, as boaters began embracing their inner 'beach bum' rather than adhering to safety regulations. Talk about a floating disaster waiting to happen!. Fact: Did you know that every year more people are injured in boating accidents than in shark attacks? But hey, at least you're less likely to lose a leg to a shark!.
• Headline: PARENTAL ROLE CITED IN CURBING DRUG USE. Impact: Parents finally realizing their role in curbing drug use sparked a nationwide parenting revolution, leading to the invention of the 'hover parent'—one who hovers over their kids at all times, ready to pounce on any potential trouble.. Fact: Did you know that some parents now monitor their children's phone activity more closely than the NSA? Privacy? What privacy?.
• Headline: BUSINESS NOTES. Impact: The opening of the 100th office for First Jersey National Corporation led to a bizarre bank office arms race, where banks began opening branches in the most ridiculous places, including inside grocery stores and laundromats.. Fact: Did you know that there are now more bank branches than Starbucks in many cities? Because nothing says 'I love coffee' like a side of 'please open a savings account!'.
• Headline: PACT REDUCES PAY DISPARITY IN CORTLANDT. Impact: The union contract in Cortlandt became a template for countless other municipalities, inadvertently giving birth to a national movement for equal pay that eventually inspired an entire generation to demand their worth—just in time for them to be laid off.. Fact: Did you know that the pay gap is shrinking? But only because we're all earning less than we used to—yay progress!.
• Headline: WHAT'S NEW IN SPECIAL INTEREST MAGAZINES. Impact: As magazines continued to thrive despite the rise of television, they inadvertently created a niche market for vintage magazine collectors, who now hoard issues like they're rare artifacts from a lost civilization.. Fact: Did you know that some people treat old magazines like fine wine? Yes, let me just uncork this 1985 issue of 'Better Homes and Gardens' and savor its vintage aroma..
• Headline: THE CAREFUL SHOPPER. Impact: The Historical Society's Strawberry Festival led to a bizarre annual contest where people now compete to see who can make the most elaborate strawberry dessert, inadvertently turning a simple event into a culinary Olympics!. Fact: Did you know that strawberries are actually a member of the rose family? So that means every time you eat one, you're technically indulging in a floral treat. How fancy!.
• Headline: THE LIVELY ARTS; JUMPING-OFF POINT FOR NEW THEATER. Impact: The push for new theater created a surge in off-Broadway performances, leading to a new generation of artists who are convinced that their avant-garde productions will change the world—one confused audience member at a time.. Fact: Did you know that most off-Broadway shows are just as likely to feature interpretive dance about the existential dread of grocery shopping as they are to tell a coherent story? Art!.
• Headline: WHAT'S NEW IN SPECIAL INTEREST MAGAZINES; PUTTING NEW LOOKS ON OLD HOMES. Impact: The trend of home renovation magazines inadvertently inspired a culture of DIY disasters, where people began attempting to renovate their homes with zero skills, resulting in more 'before' photos than 'after' glory.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'home improvement' now encompasses more broken dreams and shattered hopes than actual improvements? Welcome to the club!.