APRIL 15, 1985

Full News Archive

• Headline: Exploring Computers at the Library. Impact: As patrons wrestled with computers, innovation stumbled, and the invention of the smartphone was delayed by several decades, causing humanity to miss out on countless selfies and TikTok dances.. Fact: Back then, people thought computers were more intimidating than a first date. Spoiler: they weren't..
• Headline: Controversial Sculptor Explores Sacred Themes. Impact: John Macellari's cross-inspired sculptures became the talk of the town, sparking a secret society of offended art critics who dedicated themselves to creating the world’s first 'Art Offense Index.'. Fact: Being agnostic while creating sacred art is the equivalent of being a vegan butcher - everyone just avoids eye contact..
• Headline: DISPUTE OVER PACTS AT RESORT PERISTS. Impact: The dispute over pacts at the resort resulted in a nationwide 'Casino Contract Negotiation 101' course that became wildly popular among aspiring resort directors.. Fact: Resort disputes are just like family dinners - someone always brings up past grievances, and no one leaves happy..
• Headline: LIMITS EYED FOR DIRT BIKES. Impact: By limiting dirt bikes, Suffolk County inadvertently led to the rise of an underground dirt bike racing scene, complete with secret tracks and a highly competitive ‘Dirt Bike Olympics.’. Fact: After this incident, dirt biking became the new extreme sport, replacing 'sitting on the couch' with 'sitting on a dirt bike and pretending to be cool.'.
• Headline: YALE GROUP PRESSES MOSCOW EXCHANGE. Impact: The Yale group’s attempts to establish an exchange program inadvertently sparked a cultural revolution, leading to global students exchanging memes instead of ideas.. Fact: The real reason for the exchange was so Yale students could finally understand what 'vodka' really meant in Russian culture..
• Headline: PERSPECTIVES; BELL CRITICIZES 'ASSAULT ON THE PRIVATE COLLEGES'. Impact: Bell's criticism of federal aid limits led to universities adopting ‘Survival of the Fittest’ programs, where students had to wrestle for scholarships like gladiators in an academic arena.. Fact: Federal aid limits are just a fancy way of telling students, 'Good luck, and may the odds be ever in your favor.'.
• Headline: WILDERNESS LAND TO BE PROTECTED. Impact: Protecting wilderness land became a rallying point for nature enthusiasts, leading to the first ‘Coyote Peace Treaty’ where all wildlife agreed to stay away from picnic areas.. Fact: It's funny how a place inhabited by coyotes and wild turkeys can still feel more civilized than a crowded supermarket on a Saturday afternoon..
• Headline: MONTCLAIR STATE PUTS STRESS ON ARTS. Impact: Montclair State’s emphasis on the arts led to an unprecedented wave of ‘artsy’ coffee shops opening, where the baristas also offered existential advice along with lattes.. Fact: Montclair State’s motto became ‘You can take the student out of art class, but you can’t take the art class out of the student’s bank account.’.