MARCH 24, 1985

Full News Archive

• Headline: Democrats Critique O'Rourke's Performance. Impact: The moment Democrats decided to grade Andrew P. O'Rourke, they unknowingly inspired future politicians to hire tutors for their PR skills. Now, every candidate has a personal coach for 'How to Not Look Like a Total Buffoon 101'.. Fact: Fun fact: Report cards have been scientifically proven to cause more stress than a surprise pop quiz! Who knew politics could be so school-like?.
• Headline: Exotic Languages at Yale University. Impact: The introduction of exotic languages at Yale sparked a linguistic revolution that eventually led to the creation of a secret society that only communicates in obscure dialects. They may or may not be plotting world domination, but they definitely have great dinner parties.. Fact: Did you know that the most common language spoken at Yale is actually 'self-importance'? It's very exclusive!.
• Headline: THE LIVELY ARTS; TRIO PLAYS 'NOW' CHAMBER MUSIC. Impact: The trio's performance not only kept classical music alive but also inspired a new genre called 'Chamber Music for the Uninterested', which is exactly what it sounds like—music that people can ignore while scrolling through their phones.. Fact: Did you know that chamber music has nothing to do with actual chambers? It's just musicians trying to sound fancy while playing in small rooms..
• Headline: ENGINEERING; OUTLOOK IS REWARDING FOR MOST SPECIALTIES. Impact: With engineering jobs booming, future generations would later credit this moment for the rise of countless future gadgets—some of which will inevitably break and require a degree in engineering just to figure out how to fix them.. Fact: Did you know that if you drop a piece of engineering equipment, it’s considered 'testing' the durability? At least that's what the engineers tell their bosses!.
• Headline: INADEQUATE WRITING IN BUSINES IS CITED. Impact: Ellen Roddick's words would eventually lead to a revolution in corporate communication, resulting in a world where every email has at least one 'urgent' tag, despite the fact that it’s just a reminder about donuts in the break room.. Fact: Fun fact: The average business email could probably be condensed into a single emoji. But then again, who would take those meetings seriously?.
• Headline: LONG ISLAND GUIDE;. Impact: The free concerts at the local library set a precedent for 'musical libraries' where patrons now expect a live band with every book checkout. Spoiler alert: the band is usually just a guy with a ukulele.. Fact: Did you know that libraries once operated without music? Shocking, I know—what were people even doing with their time?.
• Headline: CASINOS SEEK CURB ON OVERSATURATION. Impact: The casino industry's plea for regulation ironically sparked a rise in underground gambling dens where the only rule is that you must wear a fedora. Congratulations, you played yourself, casinos!. Fact: Did you know that casinos are like adult playgrounds? Only difference is you can lose your life savings instead of just your lunch money!.
• Headline: DISPUTE COULD HALT RIDE-SHARING VANS. Impact: The fight over ride-sharing vans led to an explosion of creative alternatives: from carpool karaoke sessions to the rise of 'charmingly awkward' public transportation. Thanks to this, we now have a generation of people who can sing 'Bohemian Rhapsody' at the top of their lungs in a crowded bus.. Fact: Did you know that ride-sharing disputes are just the adult version of 'he said, she said'? They never really end well, but they sure make for great reality TV!.