MARCH 2, 1985

Full News Archive

• Headline: Chuck Norris in 'Missing in Action 2'. Impact: In an alternate timeline, every time someone mentions Chuck Norris, a random person in the universe instantly gains martial arts skills. The result? A world where karate tournaments are the new Olympic Games, and Norris is revered as the supreme deity of self-defense.. Fact: Did you know that Chuck Norris once counted to infinity? Twice..
• Headline: The First Computerized Courtroom Experience. Impact: The 68 days of courtroom testimony led to a new law: All future trials must include a mandatory 'snack break' after every 20 pages of transcripts. Suddenly, America becomes a nation of courtroom snack connoisseurs, impacting the snack industry forever.. Fact: Fun fact: The average courtroom transcript is about as exciting as watching paint dry—unless you bring snacks, of course..
• Headline: Occult Creatures in 'Ghoulies' Film. Impact: The success of 'Ghoulies' led to a series of unfortunate sequels featuring even more ridiculous creatures, ultimately resulting in a Hollywood monster mash-up that prevents any actual horror film from being made for a decade. Thanks, Hollywood!. Fact: Did you know the original title for 'Ghoulies' was 'Things That Should Never Have Left the Basement'?.
• Headline: Reagan Terms Nicaraguan Rebels ’Moral Equal of Founding Fathers’. Impact: Reagan's statement sparks a bizarre movement where American rebels start dressing in 18th-century garb and quoting the Founding Fathers, leading to a nationwide shortage of powdered wigs and tri-corner hats.. Fact: Did you know that the Founding Fathers probably would’ve been appalled by this comparison? They were too busy writing the Constitution to be rebels with a cause..
• Headline: STUDENTS AT COLUMBIA HONOR TRAILBLZING FEMALE LAWYER. Impact: The honoring of Myra Bradwell ignites a feminist revolution in legal professions, leading to a future where women dominate all courtroom dramas, while the phrase 'objection!' becomes the most commonly used catchphrase in pop culture.. Fact: Did you know that Myra Bradwell had to fight for her right to practice law? Talk about a legal battle worthy of a movie!.