FEBRUARY 6, 1985

Full News Archive

• Headline: Banks Lower Minimums to Attract Investors. Impact: As banks lowered their minimums, a ripple effect ensued where suddenly everyone thought they could be a financial mogul with just one grand. This led to an influx of questionable investment strategies, like people trying to fund their dream of becoming professional dog walkers with their newfound savings.. Fact: Did you know that back in the day, people actually thought banks were safe? Kind of like trusting a toddler with a glass vase..
• Headline: The Infamous Squizzy Taylor Unveiled. Impact: The pint-sized gangster inspired countless short-statured individuals to embrace their inner criminal, leading to an underground society where height was just a statistic and not a limitation. Who knew crime could have such... reach?. Fact: Did you know 'Squizzy' was actually a nickname? His real name was Joseph; 'Squizzy' sounds much cooler when you're a gangster, though..
• Headline: Pepsico Considers Selling Wilson Sporting Goods. Impact: The decision to sell Wilson would eventually lead to the rise of niche sporting goods brands that thought they could outsmart Pepsico. Spoiler alert: they couldn’t. But hey, at least they got cool logos.. Fact: Did you know that Wilson is not just a brand? It's also the name of a volleyball that has a more interesting backstory than most reality TV stars..
• Headline: Reagan Sketches Legislative Goals for Next 4 Years. Impact: Reagan's call for a 'second American revolution' birthed countless political movements, each one more misguided than the last. Some historians argue that this campaign led directly to the invention of 'hot take' culture.. Fact: Did you know that calling something a 'revolution' is a great way to get people excited about mundane tax revisions? It’s like calling your ‘to-do’ list a ‘mission statement’..