JANUARY 6, 1985

Full News Archive

• Headline: Long Island Traffic Solutions Under Debate. Impact: The traffic on Long Island only worsens from this day forward, leading to the invention of the 'road rage yoga' class in 2025, where frustrated drivers meditate on their steering wheels.. Fact: Did you know that the average New Yorker spends 3.5 days a year stuck in traffic? That's enough time to binge-watch an entire series... twice..
• Headline: Exploring Ground Covers in Gardening. Impact: The underappreciation of ground covers leads to a global crisis in backyard aesthetics, culminating in a 2030 movement demanding the right to plant ivy on every square inch of land.. Fact: Ground covers are like the unsung heroes of the garden. They're always there, but nobody knows their names. Talk about a midlife crisis!.
• Headline: Liberal Arts Meets Business Curriculum Shift. Impact: The rise of business courses over liberal arts sparks an intellectual revolt in 2045, leading to the creation of the 'Philosophers Against Corporate Takeover' movement.. Fact: It's funny how business majors will be the first to tell you they're going to change the world, while still using their textbooks from 1995..
• Headline: GARDENING; GROUND COVERS: MORE THAN JUST IVY. Impact: This gardening headline inspires a new trend of ground cover competitions in 2024, where suburbanites battle it out for the title of 'Most Lush Lawn'—complete with cash prizes and sponsorships.. Fact: Ground covers are like the wallflowers of the plant world—always there, but never invited to the party. Poor little guys..
• Headline: PALESTRINA-THE TOWN. Impact: The fascination with Palestrina leads to a revival of polyphonic music in 2030, resulting in a bizarre new genre that combines medieval chants with heavy metal.. Fact: Palestrina's music is so harmonious that even modern-day musicians are still trying to figure out how to replicate it without accidentally summoning a choir of angels..
• Headline: DINING OUT; A HOLLYWOOD IN THE WOODS. Impact: The extravagant dining experience at 'Dreamwold' sets a new standard for restaurants, leading to the opening of 'Haunted Dining' establishments where every meal comes with a ghost story.. Fact: In the world of fine dining, ambiance is everything. And nothing says 'gourmet' like a ghost that can't let go of its unfinished business!.
• Headline: ANTIQUES; CAMEO GLASS AS AN ART. Impact: The rise of cameo glass art leads to a resurgence in popularity of decorative glassware, resulting in a 2022 trend where every millennial suddenly thinks their grandma's glass collection is 'vintage'.. Fact: Cameo glass was once the pride of the elite, but now it’s just another excuse for your hipster friends to tell you how they found it at a flea market..
• Headline: PRINCETON AREA SEEKS GROWTH CONTROL. Impact: Princeton's growth control efforts lead to a nationwide trend in urban planning, making 'controlled chaos' the new buzzword in real estate by 2035.. Fact: Growth control is just a fancy way of saying, 'We'd rather avoid the next big city traffic jam, thank you very much.'.
• Headline: KATONAH DEBATES PLANS IN ITS HISTORIC DISTRICT. Impact: The debate over historic district plans in Katonah sparks a wave of preservationist movements across the nation, leading to an ironically chaotic struggle to save everything from old gas stations to dilapidated diners.. Fact: Saving historic districts is like trying to save the last slice of pizza at a party—everyone wants it, but no one wants to be the one to take the first bite..
• Headline: ART; 'VIDEO PAINTINGS' CREATED BY A PIONEER. Impact: Norman Pollack's exploration of video paintings leads to a bizarre future where all art is created via virtual reality, and actual painters are left reminiscing about the 'good old days' of paint and canvas.. Fact: Video paintings are so 2025—who needs a brush when you can just wave your hands and call it 'performance art'? Talk about an easy gig!.