APRIL 1, 1984

Full News Archive

• Headline: Smithtown Arts Council Awards Exhibition. Impact: This art award show may have inspired future generations of artists to include more colors in their palettes, possibly leading to the invention of neon paint, which in turn caused several fashion disasters in the 1980s.. Fact: The term 'colorful' has been used to describe both art and the way people describe their ex-spouses..
• Headline: Shoe Chalet's Exciting Sale Event. Impact: The Shoe Chalet's sale could have inadvertently boosted the local economy, causing a spike in foot traffic that eventually leads to a renaissance of shoe-themed poetry. Yes, that happened.. Fact: Half-off sales are like diet sodas; they make you feel better about your choices but don't actually change the fact that you still bought more shoes than you needed..
• Headline: Princeton Land Plan Canceled Amid Activist Cheers. Impact: The decision to drop the land plan likely saved 300 acres from becoming a concrete jungle, which might have prevented a future where kids play video games in a virtual park instead of a real one. Thanks, Princeton!. Fact: Environmental activists rejoicing is basically the adult version of kids celebrating a snow day..
• Headline: HEALTH & MEDICINE. Impact: This lawsuit could lead to a landmark case that defines the boundaries of patient care, possibly resulting in future lawsuits regarding who can order pizza for a patient in the ER.. Fact: In a hospital, the line between treatment and therapy can be so thin that it’s practically an episode of a medical drama..
• Headline: PINELANDS REGULATION: 2 STATE VIEWS DUE. Impact: Debates about Pinelands regulations have sparked an ongoing battle between nature and development, leading to more 'Save the Trees' bumper stickers and an impressive collection of ironic Instagram posts.. Fact: Builders believe every tree is just waiting to be turned into a house; they call it 'urban renewal,' we call it 'the destruction of nature.'.
• Headline: FOLLOW-UP ON THE NEWS. Impact: Jacquelyn B. McClary's election might have inspired a wave of parents to run for local offices, bringing about a new trend of school board meetings that are more like community therapy sessions.. Fact: Running for office is just like trying to get a promotion at work, but with more drama and fewer donuts..
• Headline: BLIND WOMAN IS A TOP SKIER. Impact: Barbara Lewis's accomplishments may have motivated others with disabilities to pursue sports, resulting in a future where blind skiers dominate the slopes and confuse the heck out of snow patrol.. Fact: Skiing is one of those sports where falling is an art form; blind or not, it's all about style..
• Headline: COUNTY TO SPONSOR HEALTH WALKS. Impact: The health walks initiative could pave the way for future fitness crazes, leading humanity to a point where running is considered a form of socializing, much to the chagrin of introverts everywhere.. Fact: Walking is the adult version of 'running away from your problems'—only now you're doing it in a group..