MARCH 4, 1984

Full News Archive

• Headline: Controversy Over East Hampton Wetlands. Impact: Ben Heller's decision to develop wetlands led to a butterfly effect of environmental degradation, prompting future generations to invent eco-friendly paint. Ironically, that paint was used to cover up the ugly truth of what was lost.. Fact: Wetlands are often called 'nature's kidneys.' So, you know, developing them is basically like flushing your kidneys down the toilet..
• Headline: Spring Awaits at New Jersey Flower Show. Impact: The annual New Jersey Flower and Garden Show eventually inspired an entire generation of hipsters to embrace gardening, leading to a resurgence of avocado toast as the new cash crop.. Fact: The idea of spring has been around for millions of years, yet every year we still act surprised when it arrives—kind of like your cat when you open a can of tuna..
• Headline: UNIONS QUESTION WAGE STUDY. Impact: The questioning of a wage study ignited a series of protests that eventually led to the creation of the 'Wage Equality Dance,' which is not as fun as it sounds.. Fact: Sex-based wage discrimination is so prevalent, it's like a bad sequel to a movie nobody wanted in the first place. Spoiler alert: it ends poorly for everyone..
• Headline: VAN-POOL COMPANY EXPANDS. Impact: The expansion of the van-pool company led to a future where ride-sharing apps made carpooling a trendy option, ultimately making traffic jams the ultimate social scene.. Fact: Ride-sharing: because sometimes you just want to share your existential dread with a stranger in a cramped backseat..
• Headline: EFFORTS TO TIGHTEN SUPPORT PAYMENTS DRAW SOME CRITICISM. Impact: The criticism of support payment tightening led to the invention of a new genre of music called 'Sad Single Parent Blues,' which became a chart-topping sensation.. Fact: Being a single parent is like being on a reality show where the prize is just more responsibility. Welcome to the real world!.
• Headline: JERSEY CITY FIGHTS FOR WATERFRONT. Impact: Jersey City's fight for waterfront property set off a chain reaction that resulted in the 'Waterfront Wars,' where cities began battling over real estate like it was the last piece of pizza.. Fact: Waterfront property is basically land with a view that costs way more than it should, much like that overpriced coffee you keep ordering..
• Headline: O'NEILL MAKES CASE FOR NATIONAL NEEDS. Impact: Governor O'Neill's focus on infrastructure deterioration led to a national obsession with pothole memes, giving rise to an entire subculture of 'Road Rage Artists.'. Fact: The Connecticut Turnpike collapse was a real tragedy, but if you think about it, it also paved the way for countless memes about how your commute could always be worse..