FEBRUARY 28, 1984

Full News Archive

• Headline: Discovering Sowbugs: Nature Watch Event. Impact: If sowbugs had known they were about to become the poster critters for nature enthusiasts, they might have upgraded their fashion sense. Instead, they remained forever in their drab outfits, influencing the popularity of dark gray as a color trend in the insect world.. Fact: Sowbugs are not bugs at all; they are crustaceans! So, the next time someone calls you a 'bug', just remind them of the sowbug and how fabulous it is to be misunderstood..
• Headline: Scarsdale Lawyer Addresses Ocean Issues. Impact: John C. Fine's unexpected package of whale blubber set off a chain reaction that led to the first-ever 'Whale Awareness Day', where people wear whale costumes and awkwardly attempt to communicate with marine life. Spoiler alert: it doesn't work.. Fact: The only thing more dramatic than a lawyer's return from Paris is the fact that whales have been known to sing more beautifully than most pop stars. Sorry, John C. Fine, your package just became a sound-check!.
• Headline: Impact of Agent Orange on Air Force Personnel. Impact: The Air Force's study on Agent Orange led to a massive increase in conspiracy theories about herbicides, eventually inspiring a new genre of reality shows where contestants try to survive by avoiding toxic substances. Welcome to 'Survivor: Chemical Edition'.. Fact: Agent Orange was originally used as a defoliant, but it’s ironic how it ended up leaving more than just trees bare. It’s like the herbicide equivalent of a bad breakup..
• Headline: WEEK IN BUSINESS. Impact: This Supreme Court ruling on labor contracts initiated a secret society of companies that began to hide their labor contracts in 'secret vaults' in hopes of avoiding unions. The vaults eventually became the hottest new trend in corporate real estate.. Fact: Labor contracts are like bad relationships: hard to escape and often involve a lot of people getting hurt. But hey, at least the Supreme Court is consistent in their rulings on both!.
• Headline: TOWNS CONSIDER WAYS TO PROTECT HISTORIC AREAS. Impact: The introduction of Hachaliah Bailey's elephant in America ignited a nationwide obsession with exotic animals, eventually leading to the rise of reality TV shows featuring people trying to care for them. Spoiler: it rarely ends well.. Fact: Yes, the American circus began with an elephant, but it’s ironic that the first circus act was just trying to keep the elephant from stepping on the audience. Talk about a risky business model..
• Headline: THE ART OF STAYING IN BUSINESS. Impact: Antique dealers trying to acquire worthwhile pieces inadvertently created a black market for 'vintage' items. Today, people pay exorbitant prices for what used to be called 'grandma's junk'.. Fact: If you think buying antiques is like buying a house, wait until you find out that some 'rare' items sold for a fortune are merely items your neighbor threw away last week. Vintage is just code for 'slightly dusty'..
• Headline: GARDENING; GROWING BLUEBERRIES IN THE BACKYARD. Impact: The discovery of blueberries by early settlers led to a blueberry boom that caused a rift between fruit lovers and those who preferred strawberries. This feud continues to this day during potlucks around the world.. Fact: Blueberries were so revered that they were used as a natural dye! So, if you’re ever in a jam, just remember that blueberries were once the go-to for making things pretty..
• Headline: STUDY IS CRITICAL OF JUDICIAL METHOD. Impact: The Citizens Crime Commission's report on Connecticut's judicial method exposed a vast network of legal professionals who were still using typewriters. This led to a nationwide typewriter revival, ironically giving birth to the hipster movement.. Fact: If Connecticut's legal system is 100 years behind, does that mean they still have VHS tapes in their courtrooms? Just kidding, but maybe they could use a little time travel intervention..
• Headline: ...OR GOING INTO THEIR BONDAGE. Impact: This headline likely led to a surge in people wearing blue ribbons, mistakenly believing it would grant them magical powers, creating a new generation of ribbon enthusiasts who think they can fight crime with fashion.. Fact: Bright blue ribbons have become a symbol of various causes, but you won't find one that symbolizes blocking the entrance to a bank. That would just be a fashion faux pas..