JANUARY 15, 1984

Full News Archive

• Headline: Lewisboro's Historic Phone Number Change. Impact: The loss of this phone number led to an unexpected surge in carrier pigeon sales in Lewisboro, as residents sought more reliable communication methods. Who knew avian delivery was the future?. Fact: Did you know that the breakup of AT&T also led to the invention of the 'please hold' music? You're welcome, world!.
• Headline: County Economy Shows Signs of Stability. Impact: This 'stable' economy prompted residents to invest in potato sack races as a new form of currency, sparking a bizarre but entertaining trend that continues to this day.. Fact: Did you know that 'stable' is just a fancy way to say 'we're not completely doomed yet'?.
• Headline: Understanding Antiques and Reproductions. Impact: As the value of reproductions soared, art forgers took it as a personal challenge to create the most convincing fake. This resulted in a secret underground society of 'antiques' that still operates today.. Fact: Did you know that a 'collectible' is just a fancy term for something you don't want to throw away yet?.
• Headline: PANEL STUDIES MALLS FOR EFFECTS ON CITIES. Impact: The study on malls ultimately led to the invention of 'urban sprawl yoga,' where city planners stretch the truth about how much they care about urban centers.. Fact: Did you know that 'suburban shopping mall' is just code for 'place where dreams go to die'?.
• Headline: A RACE THAT TESTS TECHNOLOGY AND TENACITY. Impact: This ambitious race gave birth to an entire genre of automotive reality TV shows, inspiring millions to watch people drive in circles for no reason whatsoever.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more thrilling than a 1,800-mile auto race is watching paint dry? Just kidding, it's the same level of excitement..
• Headline: MUSIC; MODERN MUSIC IN MONTCLAIR SERIES. Impact: This contemporary music series led to the rise of a new genre known as 'New Jersey Jazz'—a unique blend of sarcasm and soul that only locals can truly appreciate.. Fact: Did you know that Montclair is just one letter away from 'Montclair-ity,' which accurately describes the confusion of its residents?.
• Headline: WIDER REGULATION OF DOCTORS PROPOSED. Impact: The proposal for wider regulation prompted a surprising increase in people becoming 'healthcare rebels,' leading to an underground movement of unlicensed practitioners and DIY health remedies.. Fact: Did you know that 'greater competitive equity' is just a euphemism for 'let's all pretend to play nice while we scramble for cash?'.
• Headline: CRAFTS; CONSTRUCTIONS AT THE MONTCLAIR. Impact: The focus on contemporary artists sparked a bizarre competition where artists began to create pieces using only materials found in thrift stores, leading to an explosion of 'upcycled' masterpieces.. Fact: Did you know that 25% of museum exhibits are just what the director found in his attic? True story!.
• Headline: ART: COMPLEX DISPLAY OF 'THREE PHASES'. Impact: The debate over technology in art caused a rift that led to the creation of a new art form: 'Techno-Abstractism,' which is basically just a computer glitch interpreted as a masterpiece.. Fact: Did you know that the question of whether science can produce art has been answered: yes, but it usually requires a lot of coffee and a very long night?.