DECEMBER 11, 1983

Full News Archive

• Headline: Affordable Polo: A Rising Trend. Impact: You know, if polo had become as popular as basketball, we might have seen a world where kids are dribbling horses down the street instead of bouncing balls. Can you imagine the traffic jams? 'Sorry, I can't make it to work, I'm stuck behind a polo match!'. Fact: POLO: the only sport where you can simultaneously feel rich and utterly ridiculous. Just imagine, while you're sweating it out in a $5 gym, someone else is galloping around on a $10,000 horse thinking they're the next royal..
• Headline: Filmmaker Blends Dance and Storytelling. Impact: Anne Belle's film blending ballet and the bay might just have been the catalyst for a future trend of aquatic dance-off competitions. Who needs swimming when you can pirouette your way to drowning?. Fact: The Distinguished Suffolk County Film Maker Award is so prestigious that it might just be the only award that comes with a side of confusion about what it actually means to be 'distinguished' in Suffolk County..
• Headline: Connecticut's Push for Gambling Expansion. Impact: If Connecticut's gambling revenue were a person, it would be the friend who keeps convincing you to bet on a horse named 'Sure Thing' while you watch your savings dwindle. Future generations may blame the state's gambling for their increased love of bingo.. Fact: Connecticut is the only state where you can lose your wallet at a casino and find it again at a bingo hall two blocks away. Talk about a full circle!.
• Headline: MANVILLE APPROVES ASSESSMENT REBATE. Impact: Manville's tax rebate could spark a future trend where corporations start moving to towns solely for the tax breaks. Welcome to the new America: where tax incentives are the real estate agents of the future!. Fact: Tax rebates: the adult version of getting a cookie for finishing your vegetables. 'Good job, corporation! Here’s a little something to keep you coming back for more.'.
• Headline: WASTE PROJECT FACES HURDLES. Impact: The struggles of the Huntington Resource Recovery Plant may lead future generations to believe that waste management was the original reality show—complete with drama, plot twists, and lots of trash talking.. Fact: Landfills are like the final resting place for everything we throw away. If only we could have a 'reality show' for them, featuring the best and worst waste..
• Headline: FARE OF THE COUNTRY; RIJSTTAFEL, A DUTCH FEAST FROM INDONESIA. Impact: Rijsttafel's popularity in Amsterdam could lead to a world where all restaurants are just international food smorgasbords, leading to a new era where no one ever knows what's actually 'authentic' anymore.. Fact: In Amsterdam, you can experience the world's most confusing food culture—where 'Dutch' means Indonesian, and 'authentic' is just a fancy way of saying 'whatever we could find in the fridge.'.
• Headline: PERIPATO-GREEK LIFE ON PARADE. Impact: The Peripato-Greek life on parade might just inspire future generations to create parades for every possible subculture. Imagine the day when we have a parade for every flavor of potato chip. The world would be a crunchier place!. Fact: Greek parades are all about the community spirit, which is a polite way of saying, 'Let’s all gather to watch someone else eat while we question our life choices.'.
• Headline: STATE STEPS UP CAR-STICKER CHECKS. Impact: The crackdown on emissions testing might just lead to a future where cars have to wear stickers like we do—'Hello, my name is 'Polluter' and I'm here to ruin the ozone layer!'. Fact: Emissions checks are just the government's way of saying, 'We care about the air you breathe, but we also want to make sure your car isn’t secretly a dinosaur from the Jurassic period.'.