OCTOBER 23, 1983

Full News Archive

• Headline: Harrison's Political Shift: Supervisor Election. Impact: Had the towns chosen supervisors with better taste in music, we might have been spared decades of terrible town hall karaoke nights. But alas, the butterfly flapped its wings and here we are.. Fact: Fun fact: Supervisor selection is just as contentious as a family Thanksgiving dinner, minus the pumpkin pie..
• Headline: Stony Brook Residents Demand Traffic Relief. Impact: If only those residents had invented soundproof walls, we might now live in a world where 'noise complaints' are just a myth, and people are instead arguing about the best way to grill a steak.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'noisy neighbor' is just a euphemism for someone who refuses to turn down their 80's rock playlist?.
• Headline: Evolution of the Clothes Closet. Impact: The invention of the closet arguably led to the rise of fashion disasters. If clothes had stayed in boxes, humanity might have been spared the horror of low-rise jeans.. Fact: Before closets, people used to hang their clothes on trees. Yes, fashion literally grew on trees!.
• Headline: THE CAREFUL SHOPPER. Impact: Had this bakery become a chain, we might have been subjected to a world where artisanal bread was just another product in a plastic wrapper, forever changing our relationship with carbs.. Fact: Bread was once used as currency in ancient civilizations. So technically, carbs could have been your paycheck!.
• Headline: 'WINDFALL' CAUSES TOWN RIFT. Impact: The rift between teachers and the Board of Education might have inadvertently led to the creation of more engaging classroom debates, if only they had started a podcast.. Fact: When in doubt, teachers have been known to use extra funding for extra snacks. Education priorities, right?.
• Headline: THE FUNCTION OF ARCHITECTS. Impact: This architect's problem-solving approach paved the way for a future where people think they can solve all their problems with a Pinterest board. Spoiler: they can't.. Fact: Architects are basically adult Lego builders. Just with more paperwork and less color-coding..
• Headline: A HISTORIAN'S TRIBUTE TO PASTORAL DORSET. Impact: A historian's fondness for Dorset could have turned it into a trendy tourist spot, attracting hipsters who would have turned it into 'Dorsetville'—population: artisanal coffee enthusiasts.. Fact: Historians often have a love-hate relationship with the past. They love to study it but hate when people ask them to recall dates..
• Headline: TOWNS BENDING ON RENTALS BUT SOME STILL HOLD THE LINE. Impact: Had the towns not bent on rentals, we might have witnessed the revolutionary rise of communal living, where neighbors share everything—including their last piece of pizza.. Fact: Renting is just a long-term relationship with someone else's property. And it always ends with a security deposit dispute..
• Headline: LINCOLN THEATER GETS NEW LIFE. Impact: The Lincoln Theater's revival might have sparked a cinematic renaissance, giving rise to an era where moviegoers debate the merits of popcorn over nachos. The horror!. Fact: In the past, theaters were more about socializing than the actual film. So if you weren’t talking, you were doing it wrong!.
• Headline: CORPORATE OFFICES: NEW STATE IMAGE. Impact: The transformation of New Jersey’s corporate image could have led to a world where everyone thinks they are working in a spa rather than an office, complete with complimentary massages.. Fact: New Jersey was once known for its smog, now it’s just known for its confusing exit signs. Progress?.