JULY 10, 1983

Full News Archive

• Headline: Bicentennial Celebration of Cincinnati Society. Impact: The Connecticut Society of Cincinnati's founding sparked a lineage of overly proud descendants who insist on wearing tri-corner hats to every family gathering, leading to a rise in awkward Thanksgiving dinners and confused children.. Fact: Did you know that the Cincinnati Society is not named after the city but after a Roman general? Clearly, no one told them that 'Cincinnati' sounds more like a bad pizza joint than an ancient battlefield..
• Headline: Disputed Gun and Advertising Agreement. Impact: This gun agreement will eventually lead to a heightened sensitivity around firearms, resulting in more state-sponsored 'Don't Shoot Your Neighbor' TV ads, which ironically air during the Super Bowl.. Fact: Fun fact: When it comes to gun deals, nothing says 'trustworthy' like a state police partnership with an Italian firearm manufacturer. Buona fortuna!.
• Headline: RENT-CONTROL FOES STILL AT LOGGERHEADS. Impact: The ongoing rent control debate would eventually lead to a nationwide trend of landlords inventing ever more creative ways to sneakily increase rents, such as charging for 'air premium' in their properties.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'landlord' comes from the Old English 'landhlaford'? It basically means 'the guy who holds the keys to your dreams and your wallet'..
• Headline: NOISE RULE CALLED THREAT TO AUTO RACING. Impact: This noise regulation will ignite a massive underground movement among racing enthusiasts, leading to a secret society known as 'The Quiet Racers' who communicate solely through hand signals and smoke signals.. Fact: Did you know that noise complaints are often the catalyst for the most dramatic rivalries? Forget the racetracks; the real action happens in the neighborhood watch meetings..
• Headline: LYME DISEASE CAUSING CONCERN IN PARTS OF COUNTRY. Impact: Lyme Disease concern led to a spike in outdoor fashion, with people sporting the latest in tick-repellant clothing, thus giving rise to an unfortunate trend of looking like a walking insect shield.. Fact: Did you know that Lyme disease is named after a town in Connecticut? So if you were wondering why it's so hard to get a table there, that's probably it..
• Headline: HOMESEXUALS OFFER HELP IN AIDS STUDY. Impact: The willingness of the homosexual community to aid AIDS research will eventually lead to a global movement for LGBTQ+ rights, proving that sometimes, the most marginalized groups are the ones who save us all.. Fact: Fun fact: The first major AIDS awareness campaign used the slogan 'Silence = Death'. Ironically, this was also the motto of many a first date gone wrong..
• Headline: THREE SISTERS TALK WITH HORSES. Impact: The Clayton sisters talking to horses will inspire a whole generation of people to believe they can communicate with animals, eventually leading to a popular reality show called 'Horse Whisperers: The Next Generation'.. Fact: Did you know that talking to animals is a sign of genius? So, if you ever find me deep in conversation with my cat, just know I'm on the fast track to an IQ boost..
• Headline: A GROWING STORM OVER INTEREST RATES. Impact: Paul A. Volcker's testimony will ignite a financial debate that will echo through time, leading future economists to realize that every crisis could have been avoided if only someone had taken a better nap.. Fact: Did you know that the Federal Reserve's meetings are so important that they’re literally the only place where the phrase 'let’s not raise interest rates' can cause heart palpitations?.