APRIL 24, 1983

Full News Archive

• Headline: Rutgers Trains New Local Officials. Impact: The incompetence of local officials trained at Rutgers leads to a generation of politicians who confuse budgets with bingo cards, ultimately resulting in a national game night where everyone loses.. Fact: Did you know that malfeasance and nonfeasance are like the twin brothers of political blunders? One's always causing trouble while the other just stands there looking confused..
• Headline: Surveying Elderly Needs in Northern Westchester. Impact: By surveying the needs of the elderly, the committee inadvertently sparks a nationwide trend in adult day care that leads to them becoming the hottest social spots, complete with dance-offs and bingo tournaments.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more complicated than understanding elderly needs is getting them to agree on a favorite flavor of Jell-O?.
• Headline: UCONN'S SCHOOL OF DESPAIR. Impact: The despair at UConn inspires a series of motivational posters that trend on social media, ironically uplifting students while the university itself continues to wallow in its own artistic expression of defeat.. Fact: Ironically, the 'theatrics of defeat' at UConn became a popular theme for drama clubs nationwide. Who knew misery could be so... performative?.
• Headline: FENCING SOUGHT FOR PALISADES. Impact: The fencing initiative becomes a national sensation, leading to fencing-themed amusement parks where kids can pretend to be knights while falling off 150-foot drops. Because who doesn't love a little danger with their fun?. Fact: Did you know that Richard J. Olsen’s warnings somehow made the idea of playgrounds with sheer drops a popular trend in the 80s? Safety first, right?.
• Headline: A CASE OF LYME DISEASE IN KATONAH. Impact: The case of Lyme disease in Katonah leads to a public health campaign that turns everyone into amateur tick experts, creating a generation that can identify ticks but still can’t find their way out of IKEA.. Fact: Did you know that Lyme disease is just the nature's way of saying, 'Surprise! You thought you could enjoy a nice picnic?'.
• Headline: SCOTLAND'S STARK AND TRANQUIL ISLES. Impact: Samuel Johnson’s literary pilgrimage inspires a flood of wannabe authors to embark on their own quests through Scotland, inadvertently boosting the local economy while simultaneously ruining the landscape with hipster coffee shops.. Fact: Fun fact: If Samuel Johnson had a Twitter, he probably would have sparked a trend called #WanderlustWoes that would still be trending today..
• Headline: NOW PITCHING FOR OTHERS. Impact: Dave Lemanczyk's abrupt career switch leads to a new wave of athletes trying to reinvent themselves as motivational speakers. Spoiler alert: most of them fail spectacularly.. Fact: Did you know the only thing harder than throwing a fastball is trying to pitch your life story to an audience that just wants to hear about the game-winning home run?.
• Headline: WHAT'S NEW IN FOOD REGULATION; KEEPING SACCHARIN ON THE SHELVES. Impact: The ongoing debate over saccharin regulation creates an underground movement where food safety advocates and candy lovers battle it out, leading to a reality TV show that glamorizes food fights. Truly, America’s finest hour.. Fact: Did you know that saccharin's continued shelf life is less about safety and more about the fact that no one can resist a sweet taste, even if it’s a little questionable?.